The All-Encompassing Topic of L-O-V-E

L-O-V-E

What a dirty four-letter word. It is almost the worst four-letter word there is. Nothing causes more pain, heartache, and sadness than LOVE. It tears me apart, it can make me cry for hours.

Love has put me in a dichotomous situation. For me it is all about vulnerability. I'm torn between looking for some sort of comfort in this world and looking for love. I want to give up on love and pretend it doesn't exist. Why look for something that will only cause misery in the long run? On the other hand I've experienced love and it feels so good at the time. A person who knows me better than I know myself. However, I am then vulnerable to be destroyed; they know my weaknesses. I am afraid to open up anymore. It never works out.

I've only ever loved 2 men. One for the past 5 years and the other invaded my heart about 6 months ago. All others before that were just childish infatuation or someone to be around. Until recently I never even thought I'd get over my first love. I thought he'd haunt me forever. Then it hit me like a train when this other person came along. I still think he may have cast some magic spell on me. He's not a perfect person, nobody is, but I think he may be perfect for me. He seems to love me too, or so he says. We have been talking for a long time and recently were able to meet in person. He amazes me, he's smart, funny, sweet, and so many things that I can't even put into words. I don't think he knows his own worth. He is now unsure of where "we" might go. It hurts. I FINALLY found someone I like, and again will end up alone.

My first love... Well due to circumstances beyond our control, we couldn't be together. Coming from different cultures can be a disaster. His family found him a wife and in a way forced him to marry her. He never saw her and he never lived with her. Long story. I waited for him even after he was married to her. One whole year. Then I decided to move on. I got married to someone I didn't even love. I thought it would just be so easy. I would move on, I would learn to love. Marriage only lasted a year. It was misery. I had kept in contact with Mr. First Love by email. I told him I was divorced. We met up again, and again we would go our separate ways.