Anxiety

Oh wow, what a fun-filled day! Filled to the brim with anxiety. I can't believe I didn't have a full blown anxiety attack!

I woke up to pray fjar prayer, and tried to go back to sleep. Anxiety ruined that plan! My stomach has been tied in knots for the entirety of my day. I worked out before work, thinking this would take off the edge... didn't work. So I went to work feeling like I might bolt out of the room at any minute or puke on someone. Hmmm... good feeling.

The only thing that made me feel better: talking non-stop. I think I drove a few people crazy. Why did that work? Well, I didn't have to be trapped with the thoughts in my brain. Productive, but annoying.

I still feel the dread of everything closing in on me. Everything crashing in my little world. AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!

I did decide on some positive things today; I hope I can follow through. Right now my life is about ME. This may sound selfish, but I need to figure out what I'm doing. Sometimes I think I'm still waiting for my life to start. I just need to get myself to a happier, healthier place. I need to unload all the junk in my mind. I wrote my three letters and I need to let go of those people now. All three of them are too much for me to handle. The ex-husband, no problem, he's gone. I hope he doesn't do anything to cause me anymore grief, but all of our crap is now separate. There is nothing more to do with him. Mr. first love, well we're friends, and that's all there is to it. I don't hold any hope for a future with him anymore.

It's Mr. U that is making me a little crazy. I gave him the benefit of the doubt for a while. A person can only tell you they care about you so many times and then do things that seem to indicate exactly the opposite, before you want to run away from them. I don't know if he's being sincere, or just playing me. Since I don't trust men much anyway, I have decided he is probably playing. I'm moving on. It hurts because I felt for him in a way that I haven't felt for anybody in years. It just bothers me that I have these feelings. Anyway I give up, that's how I am. I am not one to wait around. He's the one that's losing out. I'm not conceited, but I do know my self worth.

I'm moving on. It gives me anxiety to let go of the familiar, but it will be worth it. I'm moving on.