Numb

I have found myself in familiar territory. I'm in a place I've been before, but not for about 5 years. I'm Numb. It isn't uncomfortable, it's familiar. I have no feelings of joy, sadness, anxiety, anger; I'm really not feeling much of anything. I have no emotional affect, I'm monotone. It takes a lot of hurt to get to this place, and I can't say I'm surprised to be here. After experiencing so many bad/sad/hurtful things I am numb to everything.

At least this time I am more experienced. I will not find myself praticing self-mutilation in order to remind myself that I'm still alive. I don't need to see blood to know that I'm a living, breathing human being. There used to be a time when such things consumed me. I know I will eventually be fine without having to harm myself along the way as a reminder.

Eventually I will be able to smile again, and feel it within me, shining outward. Eventually I will be able to walk into the second bedroom, rather than just look in the doorway and see some room that feels detatched from my apartment. Eventually I will be able to feel the warmth that love brings to one's world. Eventually, I will feel again. Eventually.

For now I am just numb.