Excess Baggage

When I was in college I was crazy about this one guy from a foreign country (Central America). He had the total machismo thing going, but was nerdy at the same time. He acted like a complete jerk all the time. How did I become crazy about someone that acted like a jerk? Well, when it was just him and I, he would let down his guard. He was a softy at heart. One time he got a letter from his sister and was quite excited. He came up to me and said, "I got a letter from my little sister today!" I replied, "Really? That's great!" Hiding his excitement he said back, "Yeah, she's just asking for money though." Can't get rid of that tough guy exterior, now can we? He walked me home one night when I was drunk, and took care of me (I am talking about my pre-muslim days). He made sure I was safe and sleeping before he left. We had many talks, and I really cared for him a great deal, maybe too much.

After we graduated I never heard from him again. I didn't have a clue how to reach him or anything. Even now I sometimes wonder what happened to him, and how he is. It was about a year after graduation that I dreamed about him. I dreamed that he came to visit me and brought a LOT of luggage. He hauled all his luggage into my apartment, said he had to leave, and would be back soon. In my dream he never came back. I sat there with all these bags of his. What the hell was I going to do with all of his stuff?

I realized that I was carrying him with me. He was excess baggage in my mind that I had to get rid of. I loved him at one time, but I wasn't his type. I already knew that there was no future with him, but sometimes I hope too much. I had all the baggage of that relationship, and he probably never gave me a thought after we left. I have a hard time getting rid of the excess baggage that my mind collects. I dreamed of him a few weeks ago, oddly enough. That's what brought about these thoughts. He was a janitor in the latest dream, which is kind of funny to me. He is very intelligent and quite lazy; a janitor is the last thing I think he'd really do.

Well this blog has been about getting rid of some of my excess baggage. I have really let go of some of the stress the ex-husband has caused. He is almost completely phased out of my life. Allah willing he will leave me alone soon, I have a good feeling. I have found myself not in love with Mr. First Love anymore, which is great. He is a friend, we catch up from time to time. It's only natural because we care for one another, but I know there is no future there. As for Mr. U, well that chapter is nearly closed. We haven't talked in a while. I still don't know what happened. He would call me, but he just wasn't the same anymore. He wouldn't open up to me about whatever was going on in his life. I could feel something being hidden. Maybe he will call me one day soon and let me know what happened. I have a feeling I will hear from him again. The sad thing is, without any communication about what is going on with him, I have been letting go. I simply can't hold on to all of his luggage. I can only speculate as to what's going on with him, and that doesn't give me piece of mind. I have to let go, move on, and clean out my mind.

Letting go isn't easy, neither is carrying all the bags that others leave with you.