Darker Days

image from postsecret.blogspot.com

I go onto postsecret once a week to look at the new secrets posted. This week this one caught my eye. It reminds me of darker days, days before I was muslim, days I wanted to die. I used to be extremely depressed. I tried to kill myself a few times. Most of the time I just wanted to kill myself, but the one thing that saved me was the thought of a child. Not just any child, my little brother. He was between 4 and 6 while I was going through the worst of my depression. I love the boy to bits, he's cuter than a bug's ear.

I would think about how sad he'd be without me. If you are a depressed person you know this is not a common thought. You think all people will be better off without you around, that you are some sort of burden to them. He was the only one that I never thought this way about. I knew I had to stick around for him. Thank Allah I am still here, I am grateful for every day I have with him. Not only him, but all the people I love. I have found a lot of inner peace through embracing Islam. I also know how to treat my family and others in a better way.

So here's to my "little guy" (he's one inch shorter than me, not really so little any more). Here's to the precious moments I have in my mind.

*Telling me he can shake his booty in many different ways (age 4 or 5)

*Me laying on my stomach and him on my back watching as I played Pokemon on his gameboy

*Him and his use of big words, sounding so adult

*Occassionally wanting to spend time with me, despite the importance of friends

*On my wedding day telling me "not to have any baby boys to take my spot" (age 9)

*Hundreds of others... That's my boy!!!