A Long Time Ago

I was in bed last night when I started to think of a time which seems so long ago. When I was 10 or 11 my dad married a lady who had 4 children. 2 of her kids were adults and out of the house. The other 2 were boys and only a year or two older than me. To the youngest I was the little sister he never had; he loved to pick on me and torment me. I was also the little sister the other step-brother never had. His name was Jay, and he wasn't into tormenting me. He watched out for me and took care of me in a big-brotherly way.

Jay and I bonded quite a bit. I remember when he'd wake me up in the middle of the night to build card houses. We'd listen to music and build card houses while everyone else slept. If I was sick, he helped take care of me. He protected me from anything bad that might go down. We sometimes had some intense conversations; I knew I could tell him anything.

It was when I was 15 that we had one such conversation. I was depressed, the world was a horrible place to me. His mom hated me and was extremely mean to me. I was miserable, and I decided the world was not for me anymore. Life is so dramatic at 15. I was talking to Jay and I asked him if he were to commit suicide, how would he do it? I got a very impressive oration from him:

Why are you asking questions like that? Don't you know that life always gets better? You are only 15, there is so much ahead of you. Just remember that if life is at it's worst, that means it can only get better from there.

He gave me examples of things that were going on with him. He told me that I was special and people cared about me. He was only 17, he didn't have much up on me, but he was right.

I wish he wouldn't have killed himself only a few months later. It left me feeling empty and angry. It's not easy to be angry at the dead. I just thought he was a hypocrite, he cared enough about me to tell me not to do that. I wish he would have seen that life does get better. I wish he could have lived through all the stages to come. Not all experiences are pleasant, but they are experiences none the less.