A Sensitive Topic

I wasn't certain if I wanted to write this post or not, and I'm not even sure how it will come out.

I want to get married and have a family inshaAllah. I'm afraid. There is no easy way to meet a muslim brother. The internet has so many fakes and people just playing games. Even meeting through others at the mosque is frightening. A brother may act one way at the mosque and entirely different in the home. Sometimes I wonder how I will ever trust anyone. Will I ever get over the damage inflicted by my first marriage?

The worst day of my previous marriage is quite vivid, and often replays in my head. I got home from work and wanted to talk to my husband. He didn't work at all, but said he was tired and wanted to take a nap. I was tired too, but needed a little attention, and wanted to talk. It angered him, and he got his belt. I was beaten with a belt. You would think that would be the worst part, it wasn't. What he said to me when he stopped was what really bothers me. He said, "Now let me sleep, don't bother me or I will beat you with this belt until it breaks or I kill you."

The one person that is supposed to keep me safe and protect me became the enemy. The thought that he could beat me until I died crossed his mind. I forgot to mention that I was pregnant at the time this happened. So he also thought about killing a wife that was pregnant. Two lives for the price of one! How do I know this won't happen again? There are no guarantees. It doesn't matter how well you know someone.

I have to trust that Allah will guide me and bless me in this matter.