Dirty Bloodsucker!

For the last hour I have had a mosquito attacking me in my living room. Super annoying! I can't seem to get it, but it's gotten me like 5 times! It all started when I decided to water my plants and put some miracle grow on my tomato plants. The dirty little bloodsucker got in when I opened the balcony door.

Below is my (not) hanging basket that I planted some flower seeds in. Growing nicely but I'd like to see some flowers already.

Here we have my patio garden. My big tomatos are on the left and my grape tomatos are on the right.

So far I only have one tiny tomato growing, it's a grape! InshaAllah I hope more will come. I would at least like a salad's worth.

Oooooooh, and my pretty wind chime that I got on clearance! I hung that up. I saw the same wind chime in green and in red. I thought, "Why can't there be a blue one?" Guess what was in the next aisle? This blue with purple one. It was the only one left in that color. Yay!

Let's talk about squirrels for a second. If you know me at all, or read my blog, you know I am afraid of squirrels. So as I was out on my balcony there was this guy below me. He kept staring at me. I said aloud to him, "Please don't come any closer." I'm sure you can guess what he did. He kept creeping closer and closer to my balcony. I kept repeating that I didn't want him to come nearer. He was pretty unphased by me. I thought if I talked he'd run away. Nope, he even posed for a picture. This isn't "Glamour Shots in Nature" buddy! Next time I'm charging!

They look so innocent...

I Love The Smell...

Of leather!!!

Not A Morning Person

I am not a morning person. Never have been, never will be. It may seem odd to you then that I wake up at 4:30 in the morning and start work at 6. When I started at my place of employment, I was on second shift. I had no choice but to be a first shifter if I wanted to keep my job. Fine, I can handle it, I'm not going to die by getting up early, I just don't like it.

However, there is a problem with getting up to work overtime on a Saturday, only to find out you don't need to go in. I was getting out of the shower when I heard the phone ringing. Why can't they ever call before you're fully awake and showered? I should just be thankful I didn't waste gas driving there. We can't work because our processes won't come up. Without that work instruction, there is nothing to follow to show us what to do. Never work without a process, that would upset the FDA.

So, it's 6, I'm fully awake. It would have been nice to sleep in.

Smoky Jones

My car got fixed. It was the ignition system, yet somehow, my car was smoking down the street on my way out of work yesterday. What in the world? My co-workers were making fun of me, sick!

Yesterday I looked at my tomato plants, and I have one teeny tiny grape tomato starting to grow. Yay!!!!

That's how exciting my life is. I have nothing more to say.

I Guess...

If doing the right thing makes me the bad guy, then I guess I am horrible.

See me as you want, I know who I am.

Overheated

Well, it's a good thing I didn't sell my old car yet. The car my grandma gave me broke down. It can't be fixed until Monday. As my mom so kindly pointed out:

"Monday is supposed to be the hottest day ever."

Thanks mom, the thought did cross my mind, since I'll be driving a car without AC.

The Outlook Is Still Positive

I know I only had the interview last Thursday, but I did start freaking out on the inside when I hadn't heard back yet. An email was received explaining that panel interviews were being discussed and would be set up soon. We would be updated after the 4th of July or sooner. It still looks as though I will get an interview. I am confident that the first one went quite well.

There's still hope, and I really need a job change.

When It Comes From The Heart

It's strange how things will just hit me every now and again. For awhile I couldn't remember what my ex used to make me say when we drove in the car. All of a sudden it just hit me tonight. Why wouldn't I remember? I had to say it over and over again. I HAD to. Who knows what would happen if I decided not to. He used to force me to say over and over again on car rides, "SubhanAllahi wa bi hamdi, subhanAllahi azeem". We had to keep repeating it together over and over during the car ride.

There is nothing wrong with doing this, it's good to make dhikr. It's just so much better when it comes from the heart. It's so much better when you do it for the sake of Allah rather than the fear of what your husband might do to you.

I had put those words out of my mind. Even though I had repeated them over and over again, I couldn't remember what they were. It's sad that another person can take what is good and make it something you want to repress.

An Addendum To Yesterday's Post

I forgot to mention that my mom's cat pictured below, viciously attacked my hand on Sunday. He came up to sniff it, then started biting it, and ran away. He looks so cute and innocent, but he's evil. He drew blood.

My other mention was a happy one. I am trying my hand at growing some tomatoes. I'm very excited. On Monday I planted one that will grow big tomatoes, and yesterday I planted some grape tomatoes. Yummy! I have two big pots on my balcony now, and my hanging basket. I must say the flowers in that are just stems and leaves now, but they are growing up fast.

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday

Sunday: I spent the day at my mom's house. It was a lot of fun and a very nice day. We made a nice dinner. We tried something new, a chicken on the grill with cucumber sauce, pretty good. My mom and I decided to go to a very dangerous place: Coach Factory store. It proved to be a mine field, pictures of the end result of that trip soon to come. Stayed too late, was tired for work on

Monday: I decided to fight for what was right at work. Proved to be an ugly battle with the engineer in our area. Everyone seemed to be blaming me for everything. My supervisor agreed that what I did was the right thing to do and wished more people would stand up like I did. A conversation in the evening made me feel crappy. I just want to be done with that mess. I went to bed feeling crappy and

Tuesday: I woke up feeling crappy. I worked in silence with my partner and stewed over things in my mind all day long. Shelly showed me her funky socks, which was a bright spot in my day, but it was overtaken by my thoughts. I feel trapped right now.

Dua

Allah please grant me the patience to make it through.

Cracking The Whip

Tragedy has befallen the cleanroom at work again this past week. A hose on a machine blew off, spraying hydraulic fluid. They had to be shut down again. What does this mean for me? Well this means all the overtime I can work during the week, a full 8 hour day next Saturday, and possibly working Sunday too. We were already behind from the fire, and now this. I could work close to 60 hours this next week, scary. Well, whatever keeps my mind busy is probably for the best. Plus I'll have a super nice paycheck.

Alhamdulilah, I could use a busy week.

The First Hurdle

I have jumped the first hurdle today. I had my interview, and I feel it went pretty well. The next step would be for them to invite me for a panel interview (scary). She said she would let me know either Monday or Tuesday. I'm so excited, so, so excited!

This would be the perfect opportunity to advance myself in the mental health field. She told me what the pay would be and I can definitely live with that. The schedule and hours would be the worst part. As my mom so kindly put it, "You will have no life". That's the price I would have to pay in order to gain the valuable experience. InshaAllah I will get this job. I'm so excited for it. Here's hoping for a panel interview invite!

Miss A: Scheduled

I've been thinking about it lately, and then made a decision today to actually do it. I am going to more strictly schedule my time. My parents never taught my sister and I good time management skills. I also see that they are not helping my little brother with these important life skills. I will sleep, I will go to work, I will eat, these things I know. I need to hone in on when I will do these things and schedule my time better. I need to exercise and I need to study, and these are things I don't seem to do if I don't feel like it.

So, I am going to make a weekly schedule for myself. I need boundaries, and nobody else is here to set them for me. One of my college friends and I are going to hit the GRE studying hardcore together. It's awesome because it is a huge obstacle for me. I am so stunted when I think of studying for this. I think having a partner will make it better. InshaAllah these are my thoughts for myself. Scheduled.

What's The Difference?

What is the big difference between annulment and divorce? Well an annulment is for a time when it was like the marriage never happened. Truthfully, it is like the marriage never happened.

So........

Why is it so difficult to get a darn annulment?

Aaaaaah, I Think This Could Actually End Up Being A Good Week

It actually didn't start out to be the best day/week I could have imagined. The water heater was out in our building all day yesterday (oh so cold!). Management was nice enough to put a note under the door saying that they wouldn't be able to get the part they needed to fix it until today. Well that put me in a frosty shower situation (again). I had to either do it last night or this morning, and I'm typically a morning shower taker. However, I knew it would take a long time to tolerate the cold and rinse off, so the shower was taken last night, blech.

So I went to work feeling a little uncomfortable. Then I found out I was working on the crappy line for the second week in a row. My back really hurts when I work that, so it's nicer to at least do every other week. Nope, she put me on there again! I just couldn't wait to get home today.

I looked at my caller ID to see missed calls when I got home. That's when I started bouncing off the walls. I couldn't even call to listen to the message, but I already knew what it was about. They wanted to interview me! I have been applying for open postings at this place for over a year now, and they are finally offering me an interview! Alhamdulilah! Even if I don't get the position, this is definitely a turn in the right direction. It is a confidence booster that I so dearly need! 3pm on Thursday. Please make dua for me, inshaAllah I will get the job.

Desert Bloom

Yesterday amidst all the hurt and anger I decided to leave my apartment. I had one place to go where I knew I would feel better, safer. I went to my mom's house. I didn't call and ask if they'd be home, I just went. One hour later I arrived at their driveway in tears. It took only moments to calm down, to feel like I was okay, to feel SAFE. There are so few people to truly rely on in this world. My mom and I may have an odd relationship, but I know she is there for me.

We walked around the yard looking at some new flora my mom planted. Watching as the dog decided to be ambitious and pick up a branch that was about 5 feet long. She dragged it a short distance and started chewing on it. Then we went to the other side of the house to see some pretty flowers in that garden area. That's when I noticed it (and wished I'd had my camera with me). There was this dead little mound of a bush amongst the other flowers, and growing out of it was one small beautiful magenta flower. My mom told me that step-dad was going to dig it out and throw it away. She said "Nah, let it be for now". I wish I'd had my camera with me.

One small bloom out of what looked dead. Life is amazing, life is hopeful. If that flower can make it, so can I. Even though everything around me looks dry and dead, I will bloom. It may not be as soon as I would like, but I have hope.

Alhamdulilah

Whatever life brings me it will always be "Alhamdulilah". I was thinking (in a glazed over state) about my travel through islam. I reverted to islam four and a half years ago, Alhamdulilah. It's strange but I can honestly say that through that time the worst things in my life have happened to me. The worst. I often wonder how I've had the strength to move on at times. There is only one answer, Allah. I believe and pray to Allah to keep me safe from harm and protect me.

Again today Allah has saved me from something. I am divorced. Alhamdulilah. My two day marriage is now over. Only Allah knows why. Alhamdulilah. I was so afraid to marry, afraid to trust. If I ever do get married again (I am really starting to believe I won't) it will have to be someone miraculous. I have lost all trust in the muslim brothers. I know there are some good ones out there somewhere, but how to trust? You just never know. I am truly afraid of the thought of marriage now. There is only one way to trust, through the trust of Allah. Alhamdulilah. Even before deciding on this marriage, I gave it up to Allah. With every prayer I told Allah that all my trust was with him. I'm single again, it's a disappointment, but I know there is a reason for it, even if that reason will never be revealed to me. All praises and thanks are to Allah.

Wondering What Happened?

Oh yeah! I'm married!

Hit Rewind, Let's Try This Again...

and let's hope for a different outcome!



It is off to the mosque tonight to just see if they will perform the nikkah. I don't think it should be much of a problem, after all it takes just a few minutes. Sooooo.....



I believe my checklist is completed and I have everything all ready.



Cleaned the apartment, washed the bedding, have clothes picked out, and dinners are planned (crap I have to cook again!).

Here we go again!

Britney Spears?

Heck no!!!

I want pickle spears!!!!!

Mmmmmm.... pickle spears!

Single women eat pickle spears.

A Blog About A Blog

Some thoughts about Organic's arranged marriage post. Arranged or not, you will never truly know someone until you live with them. Love isn't enough to make a marriage work, and that's just it, marriage is work. Arranged or not, you will still have to cook every day for the rest of your life. Blah!

Marriage will always be scary. Especially if the first time around wasn't all that great. Who would want to get married again? How can you feel safe, certainly an arranged marriage would look even more frightening in that light. You wouldn't know the person and you would have to trust Allah with it. How is that easy when you hardly trust anyone.

I'm afraid to get married. He isn't making it any better for me right now either. I can't even imagine it being arranged.

I Want To Write Something

but I don't really know what that something is.

I understand that men (no offense to men) are quite different from women, but why do they have to be so darn aggravating? We are probably just as aggravating to them. Why is it that when something important needs to be done a man will put it off until the last minute, or even past the last minute? It's annoying.

So I was supposed to get married, and here I am still single, with fabulous henna on my hands and only myself to admire it. Blah! InshaAllah it will probably still happen, I just have to wait for him to figure it out.

Unfortunately for him I have come down from my anxiety rush and don't feel the energy to try to arrange anything this week. I tried to help to find an Imam to marry us and did most of the work. Plus other things to get ready for the day. So, if he figures it out and decides we should still marry, I will leave it up to him to plan it. It sucks that I feel that way, but I can't help it. I feel exhausted. Alhamdulilah, whatever happens, happens, and it is for the best. I trust Allah.

I'm Upset

Yesterday was less than mediocre.

My one highlight was that I got to spend time with a sister that I haven't spent much time with before. I had a blast, alhamdulilah.

Work wasn't cool yesterday. A coworker spazzed, at me. I got to tie suture knots in a cubicle by myself for many hours. Yay!

I found out that the "Big Day" is on hold until further notice, if it happens at all.

Not much later I noticed one of my fish at the bottom of the tank, upside down. Mind you I really like my fish, and I realize fish don't always last the longest. Something about these two fish really gets to me. I find them entertaining, other "pet" fish I've had, I was indifferent towards. I originally started out with 3 fish, but one died alomost immediately. The other two were like buddies. They swam together, side by side. They would occassionally chase each other. So it didn't sadden me to lose one of my fish, but it saddened me that the other fish kept nudging the dead one. He lost his friend and looks lonely.