Letters I Never Wanted to Receive #1

I don't know if anybody actually reads my blog, but if you do you might recall some entitled "Letters Never to be Sent". This is my new idea of letters (or email) that I might not have needed to find in my inbox. If you happen to check out my last Friday's entry you will notice that I breifly mention not wanting to hear from Mr. U again. Guess who I received a letter from that I might have been better off without? I finally got an explanation... sort of.

Six weeks of no communication and I get an email saying how wonderful I am, and how he loves me. There is some "complication" in his life. He doesn't know how to deal with it. My best guess: Immigration issues. I already knew he didn't want to be with me to stay here. I guess if he'd rather be apart and in a different country rather than be with the person he says he loves, that's his issue.

I would have rather worked on things together. I just have to realize that everybody sees things in different ways. Why did he write? Why did my emotions have to get all stirred up again? What purpose does that info serve for me? Nothing anymore, does it? Why did I have to get an email like that on a day when my mouth is sore and I'm in a Vicodin haze?

Now that I'm not on Vicodin, I am amending this entry a bit. I am glad I got that email. It healed the wound that was left open. I don't feel the anxiety of that situation anymore. His email didn't offer anything. He simply told me that I am on his mind and in his heart. He is dealing with some stuff. He wished me the best in life and feel free to email him with anything new in my life. I'm OKAY with this. It is closure, it gave me the explanation I needed. It was a prayer answered, because I asked for an explanation... I just didn't get it as early as I would have liked.

Tooth Gone!

What a beautiful Vicodin haze! I've had quite the morning. That oral surgeon was totally trippy. I remember him asking me muslim questions and being a little odd. Then I remember him and his assistant inviting me to join them for yoga during lunch. Then I said I didn't really do yoga and I was fading out. What in the world? Were they messing with me or what? Yowser!

Now the bleeding and the pain. I hope it goes away soon. I rather liked the numbness. One small dilemma: Still bleeding and out of gauze. Not usually a problem since I live near many stores, but I'm on pain killers. I can't drive. I promised my mom I wouldn't go anywhere (even though she drank Starbucks in front of me and I really wanted one, and said I was going there as soon as she left). I had to promise to stay put, otherwise she wouldn't leave me. Plus I know I shouldn't drive. Must...Have...Gauze... I might fall asleep before I care too much, eyelids getting very heavy...................................

Wisdom...

from a tooth? Just why are they called "wisdom teeth"? Is it because we don't get them until we are older? I am 29, and I sure don't feel any wiser for having a tooth that makes my entire mouth a pit of pain.


I'm going under the knife tomorrow to get that bugger taken out. I had one removed when I didn't have insurance. The one that's bothering me now wasn't grown in too much and I opted to wait until I had insurance. It now hurts BAD! It's a good thing I have insurance. It's been hurting for over a month. I went to the dentist to get a referral. They said I had to wait 2 weeks for the oral surgeon to call me to make the appointment. Great.

I waited, they called. I had to wait almost 3 weeks for the actual appointment. Hello? I told them it hurts! I had to wait 5 weeks total. It sucks to get a tooth carved out when I have a 5 day weekend I should be enjoying. How much would I really enjoy with a mouth that hurt anyway? Besides, I will probably be too drugged up this weekend from the painkillers.

Did I mention I have to be put out? My mom has to drive me. Good times. My tooth is not growing up, it's growing sideways. It's pushing forward into my other teeth. What's so flippin' wise about that situation? Ooooooh, I hope I don't get chipmunk cheeky!

Despite Myself

Well, despite the fact that I am a psycho jerk at work, I got a very good raise this year. Very, very good. Hmmm, apparently not everyone thinks I am that horrible! Now, if I could just find a better job! (I want to work with people who are not so crazy and unbalanced) They probably think the same of me. Oh well, can't be perfect all the time.

I have had horrible insomnia the past couple of nights. It's a really unusual type for me though. I fall asleep and two hours later wake up. I tossed and turned for nearly 4 hours after that! This has made me a little out of it, and a bit on the snippity side. Rather than swearing I make up my own phrases so I say things that often sound weird. I usually say, "son of a beaver housen". Odd, but not totally horrible. I went to the grocery store yesterday after work, I was exhausted (and cranky). I was getting a couple boxes of dry pudding mix and knocked some on the floor. I said, "Son of a.... oh dammit!" Not completely horrible. However I didn't realize there was a couple standing about 2 feet away from me. I saw out of the corner of my eye that the guy was staring at me with his mouth agape. I'm sure with my scarf on people assume that a) I don't speak English, and b) I don't say any type of bad language. Fooled that guy, didn't I? I speak English! I don't usually use that type of language though, I guess I was just overly tired. I turned to him with embarassment and said "Hi".

I managed to pass that couple in a few different aisles during my trip. Despite myself, I survived.

Ha! Take That!

Sometimes I just feel like saying that to people, "Ha! Take that!" I'm strange, I know this. I do the weirdest things, and people tell me I'm weird. I have my odd imagination that helps to keep me entertained. Sometimes I look in the mirror and say to my image, "Oh girl, the man who marries you is going to be so lucky!" Then I wink at myself!

I'm sure this post makes you think I am unbalanced and you are agreeing with the nice people at work that I'm psycho. I must note a difference between what they think and who I really am. I am weird. I am not psycho, I am just a funny-weird. I like to laugh and my mind wanders to funny things. I hope this cleared it all up.

On a different note... Mr. First Love and I talked. I feel much better going our own ways now. The air is cleared. In my minds eye we are running to jump off a cliff into the water below. We hold hands and lose each other in mid-air, only to hit the water separately and lose each other in the sea of life.

A Fine Day

That's sarcasm!

I dreamed of Mr. U last night. I would really like to get over that situation, considering I haven't even talked to him in 5 weeks! That's just the problem though. I never got an explanation as to what happened. There's no closure. I don't think of him during the day anymore. So, instead, he bothers me at night in my sleep! Fabulous! The worst part is that I don't really want to talk to him ever again. I am getting over it and moving on. What if he calls and stirs up all my emotions again? I couldn't handle that, I'm afraid of it. I don't even know why I got so darned attatched to him in the first place. I just want to move on and be happy.

There is another sadness that is really bothering me today. Mr. First Love and I got into an argument on the phone last week. We just aren't as nice to each other as we used to be. It could be since I fell for someone else I just want to push him away. I thought that we would always have a friendship. I thought that we would always communicate, at least by email. I don't want to talk on the phone with him since I am trying to find someone else. It really isn't a good idea, and I know this. However, I didn't want it to come crashing down the way it did. We argued and hung up. Then it was text messages saying that we shouldn't talk anymore. I tried to call because I wanted to say it voice-to-voice. I wanted to wish him well and go our separate ways. He didn't answer the phone. His text message was not the nicest. Now I'm stuck with a horrible feeling. The past 5 years of part relationship and part friendship has ended in a crappy way. I don't want to remember him in the bad way it ended, I would rather remember the 5 years worth where we got along and next to never fought. I hope we will get the chance to talk one time to wish each other well and go along our own ways.

Squirrels

Need I say more? Squirrels. They freak me out. I've been freaked out by squirrels for quite some time. On my college campus we had some really well-fed squirrels. Of course there were many garbage cans with a treasure trove of things for the squirrels to dig for. They would go in the cans and when they heard someone passing by, they would JUMP out and run! They could give a 20 year-old a heart attack. I passed quite a few cans with my little friends jumping out and freaking me out! Let's not forget the time I was sitting on a bench on campus reading with my lunch next to me. I had an apple sitting on my stuff, I had taken a bite out of it. The next thing I know, a squirrel comes up on the bench, grabs my apple, and runs! The apple was twice the size of it's head! What the???!!!???

You might laugh when I tell you this, and it is funny, now. When I was on, hmmm... I think it was Effexor, I got really paranoid. Effexor is an anti-depressant. I had some serious depression during my college days. I started taking this med at the end of my senior year. Squirrels became part of my paranoia, I believed they were government agents. I thought they were well trained spies. It seems ludacris that I could be that out of it, but that medicine made me pretty wacky. Government agents! I can laugh now, but I was really scared of them then.

One final squirrel tale: I had a bay window in my old apartment. If I looked out the left side window I could see my air conditioner. Well I heard a scritching noise in my air conditioner. I got freaked out thinking it was a mouse or rat. Then I went to the window to look out at my air conditioner unit. I had to pull up the shade. When I pulled up the shade a squirrel jumped from where it had been hanging onto my a/c unit to the screen on the window in front of me! It jumped right at my face! I screamed.

What got me started on squirrels in the first place today? Well I walked into my underground parking this morning and there is a garbage can right inside the door. Take a wild guess as to what jumped out?

What to Say

My blogging skills are getting bad. I am a bad blogger. I don't know what to talk about. No ex-husband bothering me, and Mr. U is a thing of the past (and I don't want to keep talking about the sadness I feel). I am moving forward. I am scared.

I could complain about work, but I don't even want to think about the evil place. I truly work with a bunch of psychos. They think I'm psycho, but they need a video recording of themselves. The one co-worker who said I was psycho a couple weeks ago did something crazy today. She sent a cart flying and while she shoved it she yelled, "The G**D**M thing is in my F*ing way!" And I'm psycho? Other people need to regulate themselves! Oh the Drama!

What a Way-

To start the day!

Dead cat on the side of the road, immediately after I pulled out of my apartment complex. Just how I wanted to start my journey to my parent's house. At least I didn't hit the cat, that would have been much worse. I would have been severely traumatized. Not only did I see one dead cat on the side of the road, but two. As I left my parent's house, another one. Yuck! You are probably wondering why I would share this in a blog, well I am too. It disturbed me. I see animals like squirrels all the time and the occasional racoon. Cats, however, are a rarity.

We went for a family "brunch", the food sucked. We were all miserable and unhappy with the food. Happy father's day, Dad- here's some crappy food. My Dad is funny. We get home and he continues on with some construction he's doing to the house. Never a break for that guy, he doesn't give himself one. I don't get it.

Withdrawals

No work for me today, Hooray!!!

Cleaning and errands instead.... blah. My cleaning and errand list looked something like this:

*Clean kitchen
*Clean living room
*Clean bath room
*wash rugs
*go to Sprint store/get phone checked out
*go to halal meat store get lamb
*go to grocery store and get other groceries
*put gas in car



I got part of my cleaning list done (not much of it though). I decided to venture out and go to the Sprint store first. It was quite hot and muggy today, you could see the humidity in the air, all hazy. I expected to get to the store and wait to have someone look at my phone, not so. I had to hand my phone over and leave it there for an hour, an hour! I got a little receipt so I could come back and pick it up. It was a movie moment, my hand shook and hesitated as I tried to hand the phone over.

I left the store and started on some of my other errands. I kept looking over at the passenger side seat, but my phone wasn't there. It drove me nuts! Someone started coming over into my lane without looking and almost hit me. It's a good thing they didn't, because I didn't have my phone!!!!!!! What if I got hit? What would I do? I didn't have my phone! The person was mere inches from my car on the driver's side! If you think you're not dependent upon your cell phone, think again. One hour seemed like an eternity! Try leaving it at home for an hour, you'll go nuts!

Still in Trouble

A whole new week of work. Oh man was anxiety nipping at my ankles on Sunday!!! Can you believe I'm still in trouble for being a "psycho" last week? How do things like this happen to me? My supervisor got on me today for something I was joking about. Other people say things that are mean all the time, and they're serious! I have to get out of this place, it's like an alternate universe! If anybody is reading this blog will you pray for me to get a better position, PLEASE! Oh yes, and I have a one on one meeting with my supervisor scheduled for Thursday. I really don't understand what I did wrong. I really, really don't. I was cranky for a day. I wasn't overly aggressive or mean. In comparison to the other people in the area I work in... I'm a total sweet heart. I'm not saying this because I think highly of myself, but honestly- they are not very nice.

How do things like this happen? It is being blown way out of proportion. Why can't normal things happen to me? I wish, dear blog reader, that you could see the people I work with in action. You too would wonder why I'm getting talked to. How is it that I'm still in trouble?

A Beautiful Wreck

I heard a song that used the phrase "beautiful wreck". What is a beautiful wreck? Sometimes I feel as though that describes me. I feel like nothing goes right, but somehow I will be like the legendary phoenix and rise from the ashes of my ruin. I am beautiful, I have power over my own self and choices, and I will make it through whatever comes my way!

I made it through several trying times in the past few years. I am learning along the way and it is only getting better. I have found my future mate, and inshaAllah (God willing) it will all go smoothly. I have many things figured out to straighten out my life. I am working hard to find a new job. That is one part of life that leaves me disgruntled. I can make it through. I am beautiful, and not much of a wreck.

Oh Maaaaan!

Not the most exciting day ever. Got up cleaned and did some sewing. My parents were coming down to spend some time with me in the early evening. While I was waiting the ex called. I ever so love my conversations with him. I was in a good mood and it took less than five minutes to get me screaming. Then the most shocking thing happened, he started yelling and cussing at me! He said the F-bomb quite a few times, among other things. He just kept yelling and yelling and cussing. It was out of control. He asked me a question and I wasn't even mean when I told him that I didn't have the info that he needed. Trust me, I'm usually mean, but this time I was for the most part calm. I don't know what set him off, but it made me laugh. I have never heard him cuss like that, I couldn't stop laughing in the phone. It only made him madder, and for the first time, HE hung up on ME!

My parents came down with my little brother. We hung out, my little brother is so sweet, he stayed right by me everywhere we went. Then he decided he would spend the night. I took him out for dinner and while we were sitting at the table I remembered another time he and I went somewhere for dinner. It was about a year ago. We went to Fuddrucker's, and if you've ever been there you know their cups are pretty big. We got our drinks and sat to wait for our food. My cell phone rang. Now I'm not the type that is going to talk on my cell phone when I am spending time with my brother. I answered and was saying "hi" to my friend. I was about to say that I would call back later when IT happened. My brother put his hand over the rim of my iced tea, and pulled the cup over. It spilled all over him! He did it on purpose, he even admitted that he did it on purpose. He was upset that I was on the phone (not even 2 minutes). He spilled it on himself to get my attention! Enough to get my attention! He knew if he spilled it on me he'd have gone too far. Too smart and obnoxious for his own good!

Thank Allah it's MY Friday!

Am I ever relieved that I don't have to go back to work tomorrow! It is my weekend! That place is just too evil for me this week. I got spazzed at by a co-worker today. Can't they just leave me alone? It was one of the two mean ladies that share the same name. I shall refer to them as Evil 1 and Evil 2 from now on. Evil 1 was on the verge of screaming at me today. She was telling me that I have problems, that I'm moody, and I need to be on anti-depressants. I HAD A BAD WEEK!!!!!!!! I am happy at work most of the time (well maybe not happy, but I don't show if I am having a bad day). I prefer to leave my problems at home and show a good attitude at work.

I am offended that she told me I needed to be on anti-depressants. Who the hell is she? Not a doctor that's for certain! Has she seen herself when she's angry and in a bad mood? Apparently not. She looks pretty psycho herself. She uses the F-bomb, and can say some pretty nasty things. I will have to talk to her about this issue and that's what really sucks. I hate confrontations, especially with crabby old women.

I Guess I'm Psycho!

If I thought yesterday was bad, today was certainly different! I fully admit to the fact that I was very, very, very crabby yesterday; I was a B. We all have our bad days, don't we? Considering the people I work with, I think I am a fairly easy-going, happy person. Most of the women I work with are B's 365 days a year. Needless to say, I was in a bad mood one day so it was quite noticeable.

I work a split shift and come in about 4 hours later than everyone else. When I got to work today my supervisor pulled me aside. She asked how everything is going and if I was okay (keep in mind that today I was in a normal good mood). Then she proceeded to tell me that she got complaints of me being psycho the day before. Not mean, crabby, or B-y, but PSYCHO! What the hell? She then told me that if I was irritated by other people I needed to communicate it with them in a nice way. That's when I went off a little, because the other lady there never communicates nicely with people. She is very abrasive and rude. I am out of my norm for ONE day and I get talked to, but it's okay for other people to be that way normally!? I don't get it; I simply don't get it.

Lesson for today: Be consistent with your attitude, or you might get called into the office for being a PSYCHO.

I Played the Bad Guy

Work today was less than wonderful. Far, far, far, less. I hated being there today, I almost walked out. I work with some evil, nasty, bitter, old women. Two in particular DRIVE ME NUTS! Incidentally, they share the same name. Not one, but both, irritated the crap out of me today. I was a complete and total B the rest of the day! I absolutely hate when this happens. I go to work in a fairly decent mood and those two descend upon me like vultures on a carcass. I have to get out of that hole. I desperately need a new job. I could handle working there if I enjoyed any aspect of my position, but I don't. It pays the bills, but in no way satisfies my inner self.

I need to find a good postion where I can use my B.A. Right now I am just wasting my time and talent in a worthless position. I was meant to work with people, to help others. For now I will do as the cartoon below says! Hahaha, those ladies have no idea what they're in for!

Darker Days

image from postsecret.blogspot.com

I go onto postsecret once a week to look at the new secrets posted. This week this one caught my eye. It reminds me of darker days, days before I was muslim, days I wanted to die. I used to be extremely depressed. I tried to kill myself a few times. Most of the time I just wanted to kill myself, but the one thing that saved me was the thought of a child. Not just any child, my little brother. He was between 4 and 6 while I was going through the worst of my depression. I love the boy to bits, he's cuter than a bug's ear.

I would think about how sad he'd be without me. If you are a depressed person you know this is not a common thought. You think all people will be better off without you around, that you are some sort of burden to them. He was the only one that I never thought this way about. I knew I had to stick around for him. Thank Allah I am still here, I am grateful for every day I have with him. Not only him, but all the people I love. I have found a lot of inner peace through embracing Islam. I also know how to treat my family and others in a better way.

So here's to my "little guy" (he's one inch shorter than me, not really so little any more). Here's to the precious moments I have in my mind.

*Telling me he can shake his booty in many different ways (age 4 or 5)

*Me laying on my stomach and him on my back watching as I played Pokemon on his gameboy

*Him and his use of big words, sounding so adult

*Occassionally wanting to spend time with me, despite the importance of friends

*On my wedding day telling me "not to have any baby boys to take my spot" (age 9)

*Hundreds of others... That's my boy!!!

Be Hopeful

Let your dreams take you away!

Attitude is everything. I think the positive side of my attitude is finally taking over again. Life is looking pretty good, it's been a while since I could say that. I really think the ex-husband is going to leave me alone!!!!!!! I am moving towards things that seem really good. My better, brighter future is in sight! Is it too good to be true? I don't know, but I'm too blinded by the light to care if it is.

It looks like I am engaged! It happened kind of fast, it's weird. I am trusting in Allah with this one. I already know two of his brothers, and hopefully will get to meet the rest of the family later this year. I have known his one brother for years; as he is the husband to one of my closest friends. I have a really good feeling. Well I think I will go to dreamland now and think of the possibilities!

Excess Baggage

When I was in college I was crazy about this one guy from a foreign country (Central America). He had the total machismo thing going, but was nerdy at the same time. He acted like a complete jerk all the time. How did I become crazy about someone that acted like a jerk? Well, when it was just him and I, he would let down his guard. He was a softy at heart. One time he got a letter from his sister and was quite excited. He came up to me and said, "I got a letter from my little sister today!" I replied, "Really? That's great!" Hiding his excitement he said back, "Yeah, she's just asking for money though." Can't get rid of that tough guy exterior, now can we? He walked me home one night when I was drunk, and took care of me (I am talking about my pre-muslim days). He made sure I was safe and sleeping before he left. We had many talks, and I really cared for him a great deal, maybe too much.

After we graduated I never heard from him again. I didn't have a clue how to reach him or anything. Even now I sometimes wonder what happened to him, and how he is. It was about a year after graduation that I dreamed about him. I dreamed that he came to visit me and brought a LOT of luggage. He hauled all his luggage into my apartment, said he had to leave, and would be back soon. In my dream he never came back. I sat there with all these bags of his. What the hell was I going to do with all of his stuff?

I realized that I was carrying him with me. He was excess baggage in my mind that I had to get rid of. I loved him at one time, but I wasn't his type. I already knew that there was no future with him, but sometimes I hope too much. I had all the baggage of that relationship, and he probably never gave me a thought after we left. I have a hard time getting rid of the excess baggage that my mind collects. I dreamed of him a few weeks ago, oddly enough. That's what brought about these thoughts. He was a janitor in the latest dream, which is kind of funny to me. He is very intelligent and quite lazy; a janitor is the last thing I think he'd really do.

Well this blog has been about getting rid of some of my excess baggage. I have really let go of some of the stress the ex-husband has caused. He is almost completely phased out of my life. Allah willing he will leave me alone soon, I have a good feeling. I have found myself not in love with Mr. First Love anymore, which is great. He is a friend, we catch up from time to time. It's only natural because we care for one another, but I know there is no future there. As for Mr. U, well that chapter is nearly closed. We haven't talked in a while. I still don't know what happened. He would call me, but he just wasn't the same anymore. He wouldn't open up to me about whatever was going on in his life. I could feel something being hidden. Maybe he will call me one day soon and let me know what happened. I have a feeling I will hear from him again. The sad thing is, without any communication about what is going on with him, I have been letting go. I simply can't hold on to all of his luggage. I can only speculate as to what's going on with him, and that doesn't give me piece of mind. I have to let go, move on, and clean out my mind.

Letting go isn't easy, neither is carrying all the bags that others leave with you.

May's Heartache is...

June's sweet revenge!

Just kidding. I have a really sick sense of humor. I have noticed a new pattern in my June postings though. I went from getting out all my personal problems in May, to ranting about the world in June! Plus I just recently watched Kill Bill Vols. 1 & 2. I don't really wish to seek revenge though. That's not who I am. If I hurt I just wish the best for the other person. People in our life are seasons and everything that happens is for a reason. There is a deeper reason to why things don't work out. May God give us all the strength to make it through the difficult times and see our way to new beginnings.

Wow! What a positive outlook for the day! Or maybe it's just that I got very little sleep and went to work super early, living on energy drinks for the day. Now I feel a little giddy and delirious.

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of...

All Those Who Threaten it!

What the Hell?!!??!!

The last I remembered it was "the pursuit of happiness". Well I saw that dandy on my way home from work tonight. On a very lit-up business sign, on a busy highway. What type of business you ask? You might be thinking gun shop, pawn shop, hunting gear... and you'd be wrong. It was for a chiropractic clinic!!!!

I guess being a muslim this kind of stuff freaks me out. You wouldn't believe how many people associate terrorism with islam. I converted to Islam after 9/11. I am a peaceful person. Yet, because I wear a scarf I am at times harassed. I am told to go back where I came from. Which is funny, I am where I came from! I have people in cars that pretend to shoot me. This has happened more than once, if you can believe that!

Why can't we all just get along?