Today, What to Say...

Well, I feel a hudred times better today. I know I blogged crappily yesterday in my flu-like stupor. I will try to do better today!

I was in the clinic yesterday waiting for them to draw blood (dratted vampires!). Sitting in the lab waiting area with a few other people. There was a man about 70 years old and I thought he was waiting to get poked. Turns out he was waiting for his wife who was in there. His wife came out and said something that shocked me:

Husband: Are we all set to go?
Wife: No, I have to make an appointment.
Husband: An appointment? For what?
Wife: I don't know. That's what that NEGRO lady said.

She wasn't quiet about saying this either! I know they are of a different generation, but I did not expect that! Society has changed, I thought most older people at least kept such things in their own disgusting homes. Well anyway, that's all I have to say, Today.

I Fear the Worst!

Okay, so I'm probably not dying. I am, however quite ill. I can't even believe I'm sitting on the computer blogging. I woke up this morning with a gland swollen on one side of my chin/neck area. It's HUGE! It's the size of a bigger super ball. I am achy and my head is swimmy. Swollen gland/s usually means one thing for me, strep throat! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!

I am unusual in that way. I never get a sore throat first, I usually get swollen glands for a few days, and then the sore throat! So when I go to the doctor they never swab me, but today I told them they must swab! Swab, swab, swab, nothing quite like gagging on a couple of giant Q-tips being stuck down your throat.

Amazing-zing-zing!

Why am I so annoying sometimes? You know you are too weird when you start thinking of yourself as weird. Really. Abreva is Amazing-zing-zing!!!!! Why am I adding extra "zings"? I don't know! Honestly, the gi-normous cold sore is looking better.

To all you readers out there who think Minnesota is always cold: you are wrong, wrong, wrong! It was around 95 degrees today. I will never get used to the heat/humidity mixture here, made even worse by the scarf on my head. To the readers that want to ask if I am hot in what I wear: Yes, I am. I was hot when I wore tank tops and shorts and I am hot with even more clothes on. Do the extra clothes make that much of a difference? Not really. When it's 95, it's 95. The only thing I can say for the extra clothing is that the sun isn't beating on my skin. I feel cooler that way, and I don't get burnt. Nice.

What a nice weekend, filled with friends and meeting the possible future Mister. Yeah, that's right, he's adorable. I didn't just talk to him, but some of the other siblings. I don't see how this can fail. He seems wonderful, and I have the assurance from my friend who has been around him alot, that he's wonderful. How can this go wrong when you truly trust those that are setting you up? Time will tell. I am excited though, I won't lie. Best not to get the hopes up too high, we know what happens then...

Awwwww, crap, I better stop. I need sleep. Must go to dreaded work in the morning!

I'm a Monster

Hideous, absolutely hideous! That is all I can say. I woke up this morning with the most disgusting, nasty, irritating cold sore on my mouth. I didn't even feel the "tingle" that leads up to the dratted thing. It was just there this morning. It has to happen on the day I'm going to meet a my friend's brother-in-law! Not only that but my face is horribly broken out. My face is indicating how stressed out by everything I truly am. I have tried to ignore the stress, but the cold sore... that is a definite high-stress indicator. I haven't gotten a cold sore in over a year, they only show up when I'm stressed out to the max. I knew I was stressed, I just didn't think it was so bad to rear a cold sore.

I'll stop with that anyway. The brother has seen my picture and said I am "beautiful". My face feels like it's turning red again. We got along quite well, have similar attitudes about life, and enjoy the same things. This could be "The One". We will see, but I'm certain that if this doesn't work, I am giving up. I just can't handle the pain and heartache of getting attatched to someone and losing them. When you start talking to someone for Islamic marriage and you get along with them, it's hard if it doesn't work out. You don't really have the opportunity to carry on a friendship. You talk to someone for months and if it doesn't work, you lose a friend. That is the hardest and most difficult aspect for me. That's what devastates me the most about Mr. U. It hasn't been easy to go from talking to someone nearly every day to nothing. Crap! And I wonder why I have a cold sore! I could not take it again. Once more would be enough for me to stay single. Allah is with me, and I have faith will do what is best for me. Even if I do look like a monster today.

Hit the Road

I hit the road and went to mom's today. The good news is, my mom wasn't the antagonist today. The bad news is, grandma was. I wasn't planning on going there when my mom told me a couple of days ago that grandma and grandpa would be visiting. They only visit from a different state about once a year. The plans I had today didn't happen, so... I called mom. She needed rescuing, bad.

I told her I wouldn't make it there in time for lunch. She said fine, and we'd be going out to dinner. She then added very fast that I didn't need to wait until dinner time to come there though. A serious cry for help!

Mom, who never drinks, had a couple. If you need to drink to deal with your own mother, there is something wrong. I must say though, I haven't had an alcoholic beverage since converting 3 1/2 years ago, and even I could have drank myself silly. I complain about my mom, but I love the woman. Mothers are frustrating to daughters at times, but I wouldn't trade her for anything. She asked me several times today if she was like her mom. NO, you're not. My mom is passive-aggressive, but she is trying to do what she thinks is good for me. Grandma, she makes mean comments in her casual conversation. She does it in an indirect way. I don't even know how to describe it. She's mean. I can take it, I let it roll off of me. I had a husband that made me feel stupid and worthless. I lived with him every day; I only have to deal with her once a year. If only my mom could let it roll just as easy... I can't save her from everything.

Exploding Light Bulbs and New Discoveries

Aaaaaah, a day off of work. Nothing quite like starting a 4 day weekend! I did, however work hard in the house. I started off my day by doing my workout. Since I was already gross I decided I would start cleaning (I have no idea where the motivation came from). I have a list of "spring cleaning" items that I work into my normal cleaning routine. I get a few done every week, this week I cleaned the patio doors, vacuumed the heat registers, and dusted the vanity lightbulbs and fixtures. When I got to this last chore I had a bit of glass cleaner on a towel. I decided to gently wipe the dust off of the bulbs, there are six of them. I got to number 5, and didn't wipe good enough so I had to make a second pass. It exploded! I didn't know that would happen! I screamed! I'm so lucky I didn't get a glass shard in my eye. I barely touched the thing!

Lucky enough for me I had just bought a 3-pack of those bulbs because 2 were burnt out before. So I grabbed the last one from the closet and put it in. I continued on with my cleaning of the bathroom: the mirrors, sink, tub, and toilet. When I was done I looked up at the vanity lights, another one had burnt out. I should have spent a little more for the 6-pack.

The other day I discovered a light switch in my kitchen. It's in an odd place, and I guess I never paid it any attention. I flipped it a couple of times, but couldn't figure out what purpose it had. I shrugged my shoulders, left it alone, and promptly forgot about it. I went in the kitchen with the vacuum to get any spider webs I might find on the ceiling or top of cupboards. I looked up at the ceiling and noticed a vent like the ones that are fans in the bathroom ceilings. Hey, can you guess what the light switch is for? I have a fan directly above the stove that I use, I never really thought there would be another one on the ceiling! I've lived in this apartment for almost 2 years now... it's amazing what treasures remain uncovered!

A Compliment

Wow, my friend and coworker gave me a really nice compliment today. I was talking with her about the company gathering that we are having next week at the headquarters building. I asked if she wanted to ride over there together. She knows I'm a basket case. I could never go over there by myself and walk around alone. It would give me the worst anxiety; such a large crowd. It is a company-wide ordeal, spanning several buildings. I can not walk into situations like that and try to find people. I didn't go last year for that exact reason.

She said she understands where I'm coming from, but I know so many people. She told me even though she's worked more years than I, I know more people than she does. She said I am always friendly with everyone, and can talk to so many people. I can see that in myself. I always give people a smile, and ask how they are. It was a nice compliment that someone thinks I am outgoing and friendly. It made me remember a card that was stuck in my locker at work a few months ago. One lady was moving to another job and I hardly knew her. She put the note in my locker that said something about not knowing me, but knowing that I cared by the smile or "hello" that I would give. And it is the small things like that which count. It reminds me of a poem that speaks to me in the same way. That you can do something so small and you may not even know that you touched someone else.

The Solitary Reaper

Behold her, single in teh field,

Yon solitary Highland Lass!

Reaping and singing by herself;

Stop here, or gently pass!

Alone she cuts and binds the grain,

And sings a melancholy strain;

O listen! for the Vale profound

Is overflowing with the sound.

No Nightingale did ever chaunt

More welcome notes to weary bands

Of travellers in some shady haunt,

Among Arabian sands:

A voice so thrilling ne'er was heard

In spring-time from the Cuckoo-bird,

Breaking the silence of the seas

Among the farthest Hebrides.

Will no one tell me what she sings?

Perhaps the plaintive numbers flow

For old, unhappy, far-off things,

And battles long ago:

Or is it some more humble lay,

Familiar matter of to-day?

Some natural sorrow, loss, or pain,

That has been, and may be again?

Whate'er the theme, the Maiden sang

As if her song could have no ending;

I saw her singing at her work,

And o'er the sickle bending;-

I listened, motionless and still;

And, as I mounted up the hill,

The music in my heart I bore,

Long after it was heard no more.

--William Wordsworth--

The "All-Natural" and Mom

My mother has the best intentions, I'm sure. She does get somewhat aggrevating at times though. She is doing things the "all-natural" way. Which, is not the worst thing in the world. She has been symptom free for 3 years from a serious condition she was diagnosed with. This is not a condition that is reversible, so I do see that this way can work. Sometimes she seems to go over the top though.

Recently she learned of something called the "Chi Machine". She gave me the DVD to watch, and I watched some of it, until I couldn't take it anymore. Someone lent her the machine and she believes it really works. I have my doubts. The guy in the video has the most monotonous voice ever. I could hardly endure the few minutes of the video I watched, let alone an hour. I hope I don't offend anyone who believes in this machine, but I think it's a crock o' crap. I was telling a coworker about the video, and her cousin was trying to sell them before. $500 for something that moves your ankles back and forth. I can pay my little brother 10 bucks to do the same thing for 5 minutes. Apparently many people believe in it and buy it. I guess if you believe hard enough, you can tell yourself that anything is making you feel better. Ahhhhhh, the power of positive thinking!

On a side note to the video: The guy had the bun and burger of a McD's Big Mac. Just the bun and burger, no sauce or anything had ever been added to it. He claims that he has kept them in the Big Mac box for 9 years! He says they have never molded or turned funky. He is claiming that they add so much preservative crap that they don't decompose like they should and we are putting this junk in our bodies. I wonder if it's true, or if he bought it that morning for the video... I think I may have to purchase one and keep it around to see for myself! Seeing is believing.

Well I can't talk about the all-natural stuff without mentioning the all-natural doctor. My mom goes to an all-natural healing doctor. She feels that I should go to. She does anything and everything to push me towards this. It's not a step I am ready for. The way that I would have to eat would change, and all the supplements (vitamins) that I would have to take would be too much for me. I'm not ready. So one day she calls me and asks me if I would go if I had the money to pay for it. I said I might. She said good, because her uncle gave her some money so I could go. I went once and couldn't keep on the "program". The doctor only comes Minnesota once every couple of months. So he is coming soon and my mom calls and asks if I want to make an appointment. I tell her no, I have too much going on and don't have time. She calls me back and leaves a message while I'm at work. She tells me that she made both her and I an appointment. I should let her know if I want to keep it, or should she call back and cancel? Could you passive some agressive with that?

Good Deeds and Sighting Death

Sometimes God gives you those little reminders to let you know you don't have it so bad. The last couple of days have had some for me. Reminders to make me humble, to remind me who's in charge.

As a muslim I know I am not supposed to tell of the good deeds I do. I am not here to tell what I did, but how I felt afterward. I feel that I am a very sweet, caring individual on an every day basis. I feel that I help people and do things to make their life better. Islam says that even a smile is an act of charity towards another person. When you have nothing else to give, you can always give a smile. The good deed I did yesterday was nothing big, but it made me cry. I used to do things like this for people all the time. People used to accept my help more when I wasn't muslim. Now they feel afraid that I might do something to them. I was so happy that this non-muslim person accepted my help, that it made me cry. It also reminded me that there are so many things that I can do, that others can't. I need to be thankful to Allah for my mobility.

I also need to be thankful for life in general. Today on my way to work I saw a really terrible accident. I had to sit at the stop light for quite some time, not too far from the scene. A firetruck, 3 cop cars, and the ambulance were all there. They were trying to get into one of the vehicles and had the stretcher waiting. They couldn't get in, and I was glad the light turned green so I didn't have to see anymore. I don't think there was an actual fatality there, but it sure gets the mind working. I hate seeing accidents. I get a creepy feeling, and thank Allah I wasn't there however many minutes earlier. It is a definite reminder that life is short, and to make the best of it. I saw an even worse accident about a year ago; the car had rolled over. I was supposed to leave the house with my little brother. I got a phone call, and my brother was all impatient to leave. I told him to wait a minute, let's not hurry, and let me finish my call. Alhamdulilah, thank Allah, imagine if I had not taken that call! Everything happens for a reason. Life is too precious to take for granted and waste our time on trivial things.

Honesty

Simply put, why can't people be honest? If you ask someone a question flat out, why can't they answer honestly? I value honesty. There are some things that I think you have to omit once in a while. There are some things about islamic marriage that my parents would never understand. So I tiptoe around some things. When it comes right down to it though, I am very honest.

If someone upsets me I will tell them. Maybe it might take me a little bit to calm down and think about it first, but I feel it's just better to put everything out there. Sometimes it might hurt a person's feelings at first, but in the long run they will be better for it. I, in turn, wish some people could be honest like that with me. Allah made everyone different though. Be thankful for our differences I guess. In my experience though a person who isn't honest usually just hurts someone else. It ends in misery, devastation, and disappointment. Is it any wonder that I don't trust most men? Women I know don't usually lie to me... except my sister and that's a whole different story. I can't believe anything that comes from her mouth! That's an entry or 3 all on it's own.

Men, and I don't mean all of them, have a more profound tendency to be dishonest. The thing about lying is that the truth will eventually come out. Even if it seems like such a small thing. Take Mr. First Love, for instance. This man and I have never really had an argument. I trusted him for everything. After 5 years of knowing him, I found out his real age. This may seem insignificant, but it's a lie. He let it slip that he is 4 years older than what he originally told me. Lies always come out, eventually it slips, and somebody remembers what the original statement was and figures things out. Eventually someone hurts from it.

Often I feel that I'm lied to. I wonder if I'm just that untrusting, or I meet compulsive liars... Hmmm.... Only Allah knows.

New Beginnings?

Here we go again...

For the past three years my friend's husband has insisted that I would be perfect for his brother. He thinks our personalities would totally mesh. For some reason or another I've avoided this route. I got married, got divorced, and have been talking to someone else. I said I would meet the brother last ramadan, but it didn't happen because I started talking to Mr. U. Well I went to dinner with my friend and the subject has been broached again. Just writing about this gives me anxiety.

InshaAllah I will be meeting a new brother. I will be moving on, just like I said I would. It's so scary. I know this sister very well, she is one of my closest friends. I know she would never recommend someone that wasn't right for me. Her and I would be sister-in-laws! It's so crazy to think about. Life is so unpredictable. I hope that this will not lead to heartache again. I often wonder how situations can go so wrong, wrong, wrong. Well here we go again...

A new beginning

Race Car Sally

Alhamdulilah!

My car has had a hole in the muffler for quite some time. I am a very lucky girl to have my dad and my step-dad to help fix things on my vehicle. The muffler has become much louder in the last several weeks. Both dads were aware of the issue, but have been too busy to help.

I called my dad a few days ago and told him again how loud the muffler is:

Me- Dad my muffler is very loud, it's getting embarrassing.

Dad- Is it loud enough to embarrass me?

Me- Probably not yet.

Dad- Then it isn't loud enough to fix yet.

Disgruntled Me- But it's loud enough to embarrass me. And I'm the one that has to drive it!

I'm usually not the spoiled child, but today I got a new muffler. Ahhhhh, the sound of silence! I also got a new air filter and spark plugs! Woo Hoo!
My car had so much get up and go after that, it was awesome! Thank Allah for my Dad! Plus I cleaned the windows inside and vacuumed. It just doesn't get better than that.

Living Things

Me and living things...

Not such a good combination.

This little baby was given to me by some current students attending the college I went to. I did an alumni hosting dinner about three weeks ago. It had nice yellow flowers, and now look at it! The flowers are getting brown and crisp. This really isn't good. I did everything as directed; I watered it, I put it in partial sunlight. To no avail! Maybe there is some hope in reviving it. If I can almost kill it in three weeks, maybe I can bring it back to life.

Someone pass the Miracle Gro.





On the up side of things this bamboo plant is living longer than I ever expected. I got this little bugger a year ago. It is still hanging on and looking very healthy, I might add. Of course I don't have to water it or worry about the amount of sunlight it needs. Maybe there is hope for me yet. Maybe a plant can survive in my home!

Let's hope that when I have children I will do better. Yikes! That's scary. Plants have written instructions on what to do, kids don't.

I'm still single, so I don't have to worry about having kids yet. Honestly though, I'm sure I will be a good mother. Killing off plants cannot be an indicator of how a person will be as a mother. Can it? Just be happy I didn't post a picture of the hanging basket my mom gave me. If you think the begonia looks bad...

A Muslim Feminist by Any Other Name...

What is a muslim feminist? I've been pondering this question a bit lately. My friend was telling me last week that her ex-husband didn't like me. He thought that I was a feminist. Is that supposed to be a bad thing?

I think to myself.... hmmm... I have a bachelor's degree in psychology, English, and women's studies. What part of that might clue you into the fact that I'm all for women's rights? Women's rights. That's just it, I concern myself with my rights as a muslim woman. Is this a bad thing? To know my religion and how I should be treated?

I guess I'm a feminist because I thought my ex-husband should work. Mind you, I didn't even say that I wouldn't work or contribute. I wanted to get a second job because money was tight. He didn't want that, until later. When he felt he didn't need to work so I should get a second job! Well he is supposed to be the provider according to Islam. Expecting him to HELP with the bills must make me a feminist. Islam doesn't give a man permission to abuse his wife. So by not putting up with his abuse I am a feminist. I guess knowing my own self worth makes me a feminist. All I asked for was to be treated the way Islam tells a man to treat his wife. To be treated with respect. I didn't ask for anything that Allah doesn't clearly state is a right of a muslim wife. I guess if those things make me a feminist, then yes, I am a muslim feminist.

Is that a bad thing?

A Good Day

This is my pre-work typing. I decided people might be tired of hearing me freak out about everything under the sun. I'm a spaz, I can't help it! Today, however, I am bound and determined to have a good day. So I will finish my post after work, and see what happens. (At least I don't have that evil anxiety like yesterday.)

Oh yeah!!! That's right, I did have a good day. Wow! The power of a positive attitude. Seeing the glass as half-full did not leave me feeling half-empty.

I did have a little fun at work today. Not on purpose, but I certainly laughed alot. Where I work on nights it's just me and one other lady. I worked with her on nights before and I love to sneak up on her and scare her. This time is different, she found out that she has some heart issues. So every time I feel like sneaking up on her, I just don't have the heart to do it. Tonight I accidentally made her scream not once, but twice! It was funny, even though I do feel bad. May Allah forgive me if I damaged her. I don't try to do it. Anyway, I got a couple of laughs tonight.

I have decided to let go of some things and make my heart lighter. I pray to Allah to give me the strength to do it and to make things easy for me.

Anxiety

Oh wow, what a fun-filled day! Filled to the brim with anxiety. I can't believe I didn't have a full blown anxiety attack!

I woke up to pray fjar prayer, and tried to go back to sleep. Anxiety ruined that plan! My stomach has been tied in knots for the entirety of my day. I worked out before work, thinking this would take off the edge... didn't work. So I went to work feeling like I might bolt out of the room at any minute or puke on someone. Hmmm... good feeling.

The only thing that made me feel better: talking non-stop. I think I drove a few people crazy. Why did that work? Well, I didn't have to be trapped with the thoughts in my brain. Productive, but annoying.

I still feel the dread of everything closing in on me. Everything crashing in my little world. AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!

I did decide on some positive things today; I hope I can follow through. Right now my life is about ME. This may sound selfish, but I need to figure out what I'm doing. Sometimes I think I'm still waiting for my life to start. I just need to get myself to a happier, healthier place. I need to unload all the junk in my mind. I wrote my three letters and I need to let go of those people now. All three of them are too much for me to handle. The ex-husband, no problem, he's gone. I hope he doesn't do anything to cause me anymore grief, but all of our crap is now separate. There is nothing more to do with him. Mr. first love, well we're friends, and that's all there is to it. I don't hold any hope for a future with him anymore.

It's Mr. U that is making me a little crazy. I gave him the benefit of the doubt for a while. A person can only tell you they care about you so many times and then do things that seem to indicate exactly the opposite, before you want to run away from them. I don't know if he's being sincere, or just playing me. Since I don't trust men much anyway, I have decided he is probably playing. I'm moving on. It hurts because I felt for him in a way that I haven't felt for anybody in years. It just bothers me that I have these feelings. Anyway I give up, that's how I am. I am not one to wait around. He's the one that's losing out. I'm not conceited, but I do know my self worth.

I'm moving on. It gives me anxiety to let go of the familiar, but it will be worth it. I'm moving on.

Letters Never to be Sent: #3

Dearest U (the man I am in love with),

How quickly I fell for you. It baffles me still. I'm not the type of person to open up so quickly. I don't trust men very much. I try my best to guard myself from being vulnerable, too easy to get hurt. And this situation is exactly why I protect myself so well. It seemed so good. In a way I still don't know what to write to you. I don't understand what the situation is. You've left me in a fog, wandering aimlessly about. How is it that I finally find someone, it turns out to be weird? Not even bad, just weird. You are so sweet, funny, and very smart. Why can't you clue me in as to what's going on?

You tell me one thing, but act another way. All I've asked from you is honesty. I hope you can be honest soon. Not knowing what is going on is worse than an honest answer. I told you I wish nothing but the best for you. I pray for you nearly every night. Whether it's me or someone else, I wish you peace and happiness. I hope you can open up to me so that I can have peace too.

Letters Never to be Sent: #2

Not-so-dear ex-husband,

I am not writing this to be mean, but I need to get my feelings out. I am not a mean person; I have shown you more kindness than you ever deserved from me. You hurt me, both emotionally, as well as physically. I know I need time to heal, because some of these wounds run very deep. You treated me like property. You sold everything on the land and left it abandoned.

I think it is the words you've used, more than the physical hurt, that wounded me more. Beating me with a belt, well that truly sucked. However, telling me that you swore to Allah that you'd kill me, that's just messed up. Sometimes it plays in my mind. Almost like one of those credit card commercials...
"Beatings with a belt: 5 days to heal, little bruises from pinching all over: 7 healing days, Emotional abuse and threatening to kill your wife: A lifetime to get over!"

Yeah you did your best to bring me down. Emotionally... What was it again? Oh, that's right, you made me feel worthless. You told me that nobody would ever want me, and if they did, they would never love me. That any man would only use me and throw me away, and ultimately I'd come running back to you. That I was the most horrible person in the world. I can't believe that after hearing stuff like that day after day, I started to feel worthless.

You're gone now. I can see through the fog of words you spewed at me. I AM NOT WORTHLESS. I am a wonderful person. I am caring, kind, and considerate. I am intelligent, and have many talents. For the right person I will be a wonderful wife.

So threaten all you want to sit outside where I live and watch 24 hours a day. It won't be difficult to get a restraining order. But know this... I am not a mean person. I hope you will move on with your life. I pray to Allah to give you a good life with all the blessings you deserve. I hope one day I can find a way to forgive you, unfortunately I just can't right now.

Letters Never to be Sent: #1

Dear Mr. First Love,

So many nights I woke up from nightmares about you. Every time my husband was rubbing my back and I just prayed that I didn't say your name in my sleep. I thought I could move on, and I was wrong. I knew when those dreams wouldn't go away that I would never stay married to him. I would drive to work and cry all the way there. I would drive home from work and cry all the way back. It's not like my husband was good to me anyway. His cruelty only made me miss your gentle ways more.

When he divorced me I thought it was our shot at a second chance. We were both single again. Who gets second chances? What a fairy tale world I live in! I think we will always care for each other. I know you have to finish school and start the career path you want. I know how important those things are to you. I would never keep you from achieveing the things you want. You just aren't ready for a family anymore. Sadly, I don't think a third chance is likely to happen.

I appreciate everything you've ever been to me. My best friend, a teacher, and someone I've shared love with. I love when you tell me to find someone good and wish me the best. Though it hurts to hear you say it, I love that you told me that you will never find someone as special as me. I love that you acknowledge that you know you will regret letting me go. We will ALWAYS be friends. I know if I ever needed anything you will be there for me. May Allah make you the best, and give you the best.

Families Are Like Fleas...

Sometimes, they really bite.

A rainy "Mother's Day", gloomy, but not a bad day overall. I woke up early and got ready to drive to mom's house. My step-dad told me of reservations for brunch, but I wanted to get there earlier to spend some time with my mom. I went to the flower store and got my mom some of her favorite flowers, carnations. I brought the homemade, heart-felt, sentimental gifts I had made for her a week earlier. I do love my mom a lot. For as much as I can get annoyed by her, she really has been a good mom.

So I got there 3 hours before the brunch reservation. I visited with my mom, talking about all sorts of things. I gave her the gifts I made before she put on make-up, I was smart, I knew she would cry. We ooohed and aaaaahed at my 12-year-old brother, who dressed up for mom. As the time started to get closer to go, I started to wonder where my sister was. When mom went to get ready I quietly asked my step-dad. Crap! The BLEEPING BLEEP BLEEP was not going to be there. My dad had never gotten a hold of her, but left a message with one of her boyfriend's family members.

So we went to brunch, minus one child. No "Happy Mother's Day" call from her. Nothing. I could BLEEP for quite a while. What a horrible child, what a horrible person. Of course this isn't the first time she's missed mother's day. She was a no-show 2 years ago. How many times do I have to see my mom hurt so much because of the things my sister does? I did everything my mom wanted the rest of the day. She relaxed while the rest of us cleaned the house.

It's odd that my sister has always been my mom's favorite. My sister was much closer to my mom than I was. It's funny how things change when you grow up and become an adult. My mom's parting words today, "At least I have one daughter".

The All-Encompassing Topic of L-O-V-E

L-O-V-E

What a dirty four-letter word. It is almost the worst four-letter word there is. Nothing causes more pain, heartache, and sadness than LOVE. It tears me apart, it can make me cry for hours.

Love has put me in a dichotomous situation. For me it is all about vulnerability. I'm torn between looking for some sort of comfort in this world and looking for love. I want to give up on love and pretend it doesn't exist. Why look for something that will only cause misery in the long run? On the other hand I've experienced love and it feels so good at the time. A person who knows me better than I know myself. However, I am then vulnerable to be destroyed; they know my weaknesses. I am afraid to open up anymore. It never works out.

I've only ever loved 2 men. One for the past 5 years and the other invaded my heart about 6 months ago. All others before that were just childish infatuation or someone to be around. Until recently I never even thought I'd get over my first love. I thought he'd haunt me forever. Then it hit me like a train when this other person came along. I still think he may have cast some magic spell on me. He's not a perfect person, nobody is, but I think he may be perfect for me. He seems to love me too, or so he says. We have been talking for a long time and recently were able to meet in person. He amazes me, he's smart, funny, sweet, and so many things that I can't even put into words. I don't think he knows his own worth. He is now unsure of where "we" might go. It hurts. I FINALLY found someone I like, and again will end up alone.

My first love... Well due to circumstances beyond our control, we couldn't be together. Coming from different cultures can be a disaster. His family found him a wife and in a way forced him to marry her. He never saw her and he never lived with her. Long story. I waited for him even after he was married to her. One whole year. Then I decided to move on. I got married to someone I didn't even love. I thought it would just be so easy. I would move on, I would learn to love. Marriage only lasted a year. It was misery. I had kept in contact with Mr. First Love by email. I told him I was divorced. We met up again, and again we would go our separate ways.

The Worrying Disease

Why do I worry so much? Why do I have so much anxiety? As a psychology major I should know better than to blame it all on the parents. It's not entirely my mom's fault that she is a compulsive worrier and passed this learned behavior on to me. I keep trying to break the chain. Will I ever succeed in worrying less?

Of course embracing the Islamic faith has helped immensely. After all it is a religion that practices peace. It has taught me to not worry about the things that I cannot control. Everything that happens comes from Allah, so why do I have to worry about it? What will happen will happen. I still catch myself worrying, but not to the extent that I used to, and certainly nothing like my mom's worrying.

Some of the most vivid memories of my mom's worries or influence from are kind of amusing (now). My mom was overly worried about my sister or I getting kidnapped. We had the book "The Dangers of Strangers" and other such childhood reads. Meanwhile, other kids were reading Care Bears and Princess stories. Somehow all of my mom's "stranger scare tactics" didn't affect me too much. My sister, on the other hand, was frightened beyond belief. We'd be riding bikes or walking down the street and all of a sudden my sister would veer off to hide behind whatever was available. The threat? A car simply driving down the road. Incidentally, my sister now hangs with her boyfriend in the "rough" neighborhood where there are drive-by shootings and people stab each other. How did she ever desensitize herself from that?

Let's not forget the morning I was on my way out the door to work. I was probably 16, looking good in my McDonald's uniform, and ready to walk out the door to work. It was a sunny summer morning and my car was parked right outside the house. The only other person awake was mom. As I'm walking out the door she says, "If someone is in the backseat of your car, and they stick a gun to your head, and they tell you to keep driving; don't keep driving! Jump out of the car! Don't drive them anywhere, just jump out! I would rather know you are dead in the street than wonder what unknown torture could be happening." My teenage, smart-aleck reply was this (after my mouth hung open for a minute), "Mom did you see someone get into my car this morning? If you did, I'd like to know." Then I left for work. What was that about? My parents should have built some sort of bio-dome so we wouldn't have to go to the outside world.

Although I worry less, I do get my bouts of anxiety from time to time. I don't know where any anxiety would come from in my life... Hmm... stalker ex-husband who is convinced I still love him and will come back to him? No, not from him. Hmm... feeling that biological clock tick as I approach 30 unmarried and childless? No, that couldn't be it. Maybe the men I fall for that are afraid of commitment? That couldn't possibly be it either. Must be all from my mom and her worrying disease.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mother. She can just drive a daughter nuts sometimes. Moms can be so good at that stuff. The crazy things they say, the guilt trips they give... best not to get started at this point.

A Third-Life Crisis

I think I may be in the midst of a third-of-life-crisis. Don't let the title fool you into believing that I am on my third crisis. I can't say "mid-life", because if 29 is the middle I'm only going to be 58! I prefer to hope that I will live close to ninety. That makes me about one third of my way.

Amidst all the stress that I've been going through and all the things that make me so anxious, I am in "the zone". I'm trying to be a happier, healthier me. When I went to the doctor last week, she actually said she was *ahem* PROUD of me. I don't think I've ever heard a physician say that! Somehow I have found the inner will power to take care of myself and finally do the right thing. Where this inner strength comes from, I have no idea.

I have the ex-husband who doesn't want to let go... please get your mail sent elsewhere, I don't want to see you anymore. He must hold on until that last shred of hope is gone. Of course he has to call and harass me as I'm writing this! Leave me alone!!! I'm not your wife anymore!!!
I am trying to work towards getting married again (I must be crazy). This time I am pickier than anyone can imagine though. I refuse to settle for anything less than what I want. Who knows? My standards may leave me alone for the rest of my life. And of course does anybody really measure up to "the one". The guy I was in love with for 5 years. The guy I was seeing before I became muslim. The man I thought I was going to marry before things went so terribly wrong! He's been my standard for 5 years. Tough to beat, even my ex-husband was nowhere near there. Until recently I thought someone near to him would be difficult to find. I thought I found someone even better! I thought I found Mr. Right, but now he's hesitating, and really Allah knows best!

I don't have time for the nervous breakdown that I so desperately need and deserve! Why does life have to be so confusing? I take out all my anxiety on exercise and prayer. At least these outlets are healthy. May Allah help me.

Welcome to my first blog!

Welcome to my blog!

Inspired by a friend of mine, I have decided to "blog". It seems this may be the outlet I need to get out my thoughts and feelings. Everyone needs to have a cathartic outlet for their emotions.

Thank God I have been feeling better about a lot of things lately. However, there is always room for improvement!