I'm Nervous

It's getting to be bed time. I'm scared to sleep in my bed. Sound like a 5-year old? I took a nap this afternoon. When I woke up, I got up and started to make my bed. There was a ginormous spider crawling on the bedskirt. A huge black spider. The bed was pulled out from the wall as I kept track of the spider's movement. I finally got it though! All I keep thinking about is that it was crawling on my bed while I was sleeping. Ewwwwww, my skin is crawling. Crawling. What if it was crawling on me while I was asleep? How can I go to bed?

Family Drama

It's kind of strange that I wrote earlier about some family issues, and then my mom would call me and tell me of more issues. I am sad, not for myself, but mostly for my mom and little brother. The only time my parents see my sister is if they drop in on her at work. That's what they did today, and a scene ensued. My mom won't go in to the retail store where my sister works, but my step-dad did.

She was quite snippy with my dad and then they got towards the door of the store, where my mom was standing outside. My dad made the comment that my sister should be careful where she lives (she lives with drug users and they most likely make meth there). I think my parents will turn that address in to the police. That's when my sister started SCREAMING at my dad (mind you she's at work). She gave a few choice words to my mom as well. She told them she will not join them for Easter since she can't bring her crack pipe. She said she wants nothing to do with our family. My mom asked if that included her little brother. She said not him either.

It's sad. I'm quite indifferent towards my sister. We've never been close, she's a mean person, it's hard to get close to mean people. My little brother enjoys spending time with her, I'm sad that he has to be hurt by her. Maybe it's best since she has told him she will do things with him and doesn't follow through. My mom is starting to be seperate from her, she's starting to let go. I know it's not easy, her and my sister were extremely close. I wish I felt hopeful about my sister taking action to clean herself up, but I honestly don't.

The Search Is On

My toolbar works again! That wasn't what this post was supposed to be about, but it's been quite a while since I could make my words bold, or italic, or put some color into it! Woo hoo! I can even hyperlink now, and spell check (sorry about any previous spelling errors I had only myself to rely on).

Now to the actual content I had intended to post. I'm on the search for a car. Mine is becoming much too problematic. InshaAllah I will find a good one soon. I am however a little frustrated (and sad). My dad said he would help me find one. He hasn't talked to me in over 3 months (I'm not important enough). My mom forced me to call him, and ask him to help me. Yes I'm 30 and can take care of myself. It just helps that he knows what to look for when it comes to the mechanics of the car, I'm there to assess the image of it.

Well I found one that I wanted to look at, it's a little bit of a drive, but it might be worth it. My dad told me to go drive and look at. Then if it seems worth it he can meet me there another day to look at it. Huh? I would have to drive twice to a place a little farther away with a car that's not working the best, does that make sense? If it's a decent car do you think it's going to be there several days in a row? Someone else might come and buy it. They aren't going to put it on "hold" for me. I was also telling him about a car I saw that I called and it was already gone. He snapped that I should've been looking for it the day before then. I guess I'm just a day late and a dollar short! Sorry.

I guess this post is more about how hurt I am that my dad is treating me like this. He will never come to my house (I've invited him to dinner a few times). I've lived in this apartment for 2 1/2 years, I think he's been here twice, and one of those times was to help me move in. I used to be a "daddy's girl". It's odd how our family dynamic has shifted. Here's the before and after:

BEFORE
Me = Daddy's girl
Sister = Mommy's girl
Little Brother = Big blue eyes that will get him anything from anyone, spoiled! (Not from the same dad, not that it matters, but just informational).

NOW
Me = Somewhat of a Mommy's girl, my dad ignores both sister and I. He has his own life and doesn't really care what happens to us. My step-dad is kind of filling in too.
Sister = Drug addict who doesn't take much of an active role in this family at all. Mom suffered some seperation anxiety at first but is getting used to it. I guess when your daughter doesn't show up for Mother's day twice you start to let go.
Little Brother = Big blue eyes that will get him anything from anyone, spoiled! He needs a little extra love and attention right now too.

Domesticated A

I have been a domestic diva lately. I cooked yesterday, and I cooked again today. Last night I also put up a curtain rod and hung up curtains. I used my new orange tool set to put up the curtain rod. That's it, and now that I've written it down it doesn't seem like much. It was enough to make me feel domestic though. So there.

Dinner Time!

Turkey (or Chicken) Chedder Rice Bake

You will need 2 cups of cooked rice, cooled off, so I cook that first.

Next melt 2Tbs butter or margarine in a pan on low.

Blend in 2Tbs flour and add chicken boullion cubes (my recipe asks for 2 but this was too salty for me so I added 1 and a half).

Gradually stir in 1 cup of milk.

Bring to a boil, then remove from heat.

Stir in 8oz of cubed turkey or chicken.

Now take your rice and press it into the bottom of an 8-inch non-stick baking dish. Spoon your chicken mixture over the rice. Sprinkle with 4 ounces of shredded chedder cheese (or any other cheese you might find interesting). I found this cheese by Sargento. Chedder & monterey jack with tomato and jalapeno peppers.

Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. Oh so delicious!

Many Reasons

I'm certain that there are more than 100 reasons why I love my co-worker Marzipan*. She is 58 years old, and the sweetest woman you will ever find. Just to see her face in the morning makes me smile.
Last week she grabbed my hands and said, "Do you have to go to the bathroom?" My reply was "No". She told me that there was a flyer on the bathroom door and she thought we should go to this presentation together. My curiosity was bothering me so much that I had to go see what it was. It was something neither of us would ever go to. She's funny.
She also said the sweetest thing to me last week. I often tell her that I have a mean side. She says she's never seen it. Last week I asked her to help me do something nice for someone. She says to me, "See, you are one of the sweetest people I've ever met. There's not a mean bone in your body." I think the same would go for her, especially if she doesn't see my evil side!
Marzipan* makes work a happy place to go to.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent

Sleeping In

Tomorrow I get to sleep in for one hour. Then I have to go to the doctor. I think I'd rather wake up an hour earlier and go to work.

The Young Man

I watched out the window at the amazing 13-year old boy jumping on the trampoline. Still quite immature for his age he wrestled with a large bear, doing body slams on it. I quietly watched for several minutes until he glanced over and noticed. He gave me a little wave and then did a back flip to show his skillz. When I look at him I want to believe this is him. He is sweet, naive, and innocent.

His myspace page tells me a different story. What he writes on there shows me that at school he acts beyond his age. He has somehow become different, but when did this change happen? How can he think the way he does? Where does he learn this stuff? I'm worried about him, my parents are too. I love that boy so much, and I pray for him.

UGH

That's how I feel today, BLAH! I have no motivation to do anything. All I hear is the noise of the children outside, they are kind of loud. They like to play in the area right outside my window; open space and no trees. This morning I woke up to the sound of my upstairs neighbors and their thumps on the floor, it was around 6:30am. It doesn't just happen once, it keeps going for 40 minutes. I think it's the kids.

This weekend went by too fast. I had to help my parents with something. I went to my mom's Friday and spent the night. My little brother spent some time with me (not much). He is giving my parents a hard time and it's making me sad. I don't even know what else to write. How boring.

De-caffeination

That's right, I decided to become de-caf. It's not that I drink a lot of pop, I really don't, and I only drink diet. I usually only drink it when I'm out. I have decided to eliminate caffeine from my system. I doubt I can totally do this because of trace amounts in things that I don't know it's in. I'm not a coffee drinker anyway, tea will be the one thing I will have to do in de-caf. Mostly water though, mostly water.

I'm trying to get rid of recent sleep disturbances. I haven't slept normal in the last few weeks, it's wearing me out. It happens when I get a little anxious sometimes. I just want to eliminate caffeine from the equasion to see if that helps. Here's hoping for a good night's sleep!

This Week So Far

I have to say that work has been incredibly fun this week. My group leader actually put me on a line with someone normal. We've had so much fun! I laughed so hard today that my eyes teared up. As far as work goes, I try my best to stay positive. It would be so much easier if all my coworkers were like the one I'm with this week. Alhamdulilah, I'm so glad I got this week to have a good time, it makes work less like work.

Irrational Fear

About 7 years ago I was living with my mom and working near the Twin Cities. It was almost an hour drive one way. Keep in mind this was before my reversion to Islam. I used to think quite a bit on my drive home. Sometimes I would scare myself with the thought that I was no longer driving. Sometimes I thought that I might have died in a car accident, and my soul was acting as though nothing happened. I would wake up in the morning wondering if my family could see me. A couple times they didn't really acknowledge me when I came upstairs. I thought I was dead, and I was really frightened. It's strange what our minds can trick us into thinking.

A Middle Ground

It's difficult to be an emotional person. I am too trusting a person. I try my best to be a good person and a good friend, but it's a difficult thing. Every time I put myself out there someone seems to damage my trust and hurt me. It makes it so much harder to trust other people that might deserve it. I become too cautious, too inward drawn. Why do I have to be so sensitive? Why can't I be on some middle ground where I can protect myself?

Would it be easier if I were just a cold, uncaring person?

This last year has been filled with many disappointments from people. New people I've just met and people I've known for years. Alhamdulilah, I've somehow remained positive (though less trusting). I know that this is only possible through Allah. Alhamdulilah, Allah is always with me.

The Heart Walk

On Saturday, April 28th, 2007 I will be doing a five mile walk for the American Heart Association. Heart disease affects people of all ages, of all different walks of life. Heart disease is the number one killer of women in the US. Even if you can't sponser me personally I encourage you to donate to the American Heart Association. You can go here to donate to the Twin Cities walk

http://heartwalk.kintera.org/faf/home/default.asp?ievent=184440&lis=0&kntae184440=2DD7907983A0425B979BEA006A0632EE

Blogger won't even let me LINK that!!!! Irritating! I feel my blood pressure rising! In all seriousness the AHA is good. So donate or join me on the walk!

A Tisket, A Tasket

I made a basket!

A friend from work and I made a basket that's going to be raffled off at work. We had so much fun! Work gave us money to get the stuff, we just had to think of a theme for our basket. We thought of "Family Fun Night". We went to the store and got a bunch of games and snacks to fill up our basket. We had so much fun picking things out. Tomorrow we are going to put the basket all together. I'm so excited! It's going to look soooooo cool! I also can't wait to see the other baskets that people make. I love when they do fun stuff like this at work. And the proceeds for the raffle will go to the MN Food Shelf. All that fun for a good cause!

Positivitiness (Not Really A Word, I Know!)

Why is it that when I'm trying to remain positive and happy the world makes it so darn difficult? I just want to live a peaceful, positive, happy life. Is that too much to ask? Even Blogger is against me. It won't let me use bold, italics, or fancy colors for my writing. Maybe I should build a shack in the wilderness and live alone. I wouldn't be able to complain about Blogger because it wouldn't exist in my isolated cabin with no electricity.

Hmmmmmmmm.....

On second thought, I'm too high maintenance for that.

That's What A Nap Is For

I had originally taken today off, but my plans were cancelled. Thus, I decided to go to work and save my vacation for another day. Work was hectic, people were crabby and mean. I kept thinking that I should have just taken the day off. I hurried to finish what I was doing to leave on time (I still left late). I came home to quiet, all that I had craved. I'm exhausted. Even Blogger is out to get me today. It won't allow me to use text color or make my letters bold. It is definitely time for a nap. A nap will solve all my problems (also Garden Salsa flavored Sun Chips, I'm slightly addicted).

Exactly What I Needed

Today wasn't the best day, though it was near 60 degrees out. I was anxiety ridden and extremely tired with my horrible stomach pain (which I thought was a thing of a the past). Ulcer? Who knows. I want my mom, I want to be at her house. I miss my little brother, and was thinking of him all day. So, when I got home I called my mommy. I talked to her for a bit and then asked to talk to my boy, ummm, I mean young man.

He was in a good mood, not his normal teenage hum-drum mood. I said something to the effect of being his uncool older sister. To this he replied, "No, you're my cool sister."

What?!??!!

I said, "You just made my whole day!"

Family Hilarity

I don't brag about this, partly because it's a family thing, and it's somewhat dorky. My step-dad is an odd duck. He is somewhat dorky, but he thinks of the strangest things to make us all laugh. We call him our own personal clown. I can't even explain most of the things he does, you just have to be there. I was reminded tonight of something from when I was little.

My step-dad would always tease my mom about her all-time favorite singer, Conway Twitty. In truth, not even close to her musical taste. The thing that always cracked my sister and I up was the guy's hair. Seriously, he's a white guy with a fro! It still makes me chuckle.

True Love

Never talks back, is always close to your heart, and can be found here.

A Promise

A very important promise was made to me yesterday. It is the most important promise anyone has ever made to me. Although it may never be kept (not through any fault of that person), it is the most comforting thing I have ever heard.

They Stink!

I'm all for a good cause, but they stink! I was sitting on the couch wondering what smelled weird. Then I looked over at the bright yellow stinkers. I got closer and it was them! Argh!

The Worst Kind

Love.

When you love someone with all your heart, and you know they love you too. When you know you would do anything for that person, and you know the same is true for them. When you know there isn't an opportunity to fulfill that love. When you know the only thing you can do is move on, but it breaks your heart.

That's the worst kind.

After all you can't help who you fall in love with.

Fear

I'm afraid.

Of what? I don't know exactly. I feel fear and nervousness today. Fear of being unhappy? Fear of being happy? I don't know. There comes a point when you realize your life isn't everything you thought it would be. I never thought I'd be 30 and be here. I thought it would be different. Fear of failure? Fear of success? I don't know. What even makes a person successful? Isn't it different for everyone?

I look at my surroundings, and alhamdulilah, I'm not unhappy. What is it that's missing then? What is it that I fear?

I Was An OLE

I'm cleaning and organizing. Before bagging up my Ole shirts I thought I'd put them on display. I was an Ole. I think I'm missing some shirts. I thought I had a rugby shirt. Can you believe I played rugby? Me either. Can you believe I keep this stuff? Me either, and they are going to be bagged and placed back in the closet. Nice way to procrastinate from my cleaning and organizing, huh?

Violated, Rage-aholic, Muslimah

I am EXTREMELY crabby today. Why? I don't know. Everything is ticking me off! It was exacerbated by the fact that I have no food in the house (not an exaggeration). In the fridge: brown rice, loaf of bread, eggs, applesauce, and salad dressing. In the freezer: sugar-free Popsicles and a bag of veggies. I have a box of cereal, but no milk. When I'm hungry I get even crabbier. To wrap up, we have "crabby" + "crabby" = super not good.

As if all that wasn't enough, I've been violated today. When I got home from the grocery store (yes, I went!) I noticed something missing from outside my door. I had a plaque with dua on it written in Arabic hanging outside my door. Well, it's gone! I guess there is a muslim-hating neighbor nearby. Who could it be? I keep to myself and am always polite to the neighbors, so it could be anyone. Sad.

So, what has made my day better? Dinner and a Caribou Coffee granola bar YUM!

The Boys

These are not the best pics, I know. It is difficult to take clear pictures of fish as they move around too much. At least these two do! I think I have hyper-active fish (ADHD?). I'm not able to have other pets in this apartment building, so, I got the boys. They are boys, colorful male guppies.

This first picture features Fancy at the top. He's a multicolored, kind of bluish guy.

And this orange beauty? Well that's Sherbert. Nice names, huh? I am horrible with names. I can only imagine what my children will get stuck with!

So, those are my hyper-active fish. They love to eat too. As soon as I take the top off the little aquarium they start darting around. Crazy boys.

Snow Day Revisited

This is what closed work one and a half hours early yesterday. It is also what closed work again today. It truly is a snow day! I got to sleep in today, yay! I get paid for 8 hours of work and I don't have to do anything, yay! I hope everybody stays safe and warm. I also hope this snow doesn't stick around too long. I'm ready for spring. Spring, I say.