Wednesday, August 30, 2006
The Small Things
A friend of mine and I have had some conversations lately about the small things in a relationship. It's strange how the best relationships can suffer due to the seemingly trivial things in life.
My mom and step-dad have been together for 23 years. They have persevered through much. The one thing I admire about my step-dad is his ability to still do the small things for my mother. My ex-husband once stated, "You want a husband that is just like your step-dad." It's true. Every now and again he brings my mom flowers "just because". He writes her little notes and sticks them where she will find them while he's at work. He buys her cards for no reason and writes her love letters. He's her own personal clown; he is always making her laugh. He is still telling her how beautiful and gorgeous she is and how her eyes sparkle.
It seems inevitable that most of the small things will fade in time with a relationship. Once the woman is "caught" why put the effort forth anymore? Well guys, women need to hear these things. Women need assurance. It may seem that we are insecure, but I don't see it this way. I personally try to do small things for the man I love all the time. It just isn't as recognized, it's taken for granted. It's more noticeable when it stops. Women usually don't stop, but I feel that most men do.
Maybe I'm off in my opinion, maybe I just need to find the one who proves me wrong.
I'd like to say YAY! This is my 100th post. Methinks perhaps I blog too much. However, this blog has been a catharsis for me in a crappy part of my life so, YAY!
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
A Long Day & Tears
I guess every day can't be perfect. Some days just make you cry. Some days you have been pushed to your limit.
Unfortunately today was that way for me.
Work was stressful.
The aftermath of my divorce is still stressful. I am at the very end of it all. There is one matter of business that I'm trying to take care of. He's being unhelpful of course. Saying that he's being "unhelpful" is the nicest way I can put it. I really want to scream at the top of my lungs and throw anything and everything I can find in arms reach. I just have to make it through this last part. Then I am done with him. Can it really be almost 2 years since we separated? It wasn't bad enough that the one year of marriage was awful, but I do I have to go through torture for the 2 years after it was over?
This is the end of it though. I can't lose it now when I'm so close to the end. I hope my sanity will stay with me just long enough to make it.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
My mother is clueless, or so I think. There are 2 possibilities.
1) She is really clueless about me
2) She acts clueless to antagonize me
I thought I would be intuitive enough to figure it out. She just baffles me at times. Take last night. My parents were near to my apartment and stopped in. My mom gave me a shopping bag with an outfit in it. As she handed it to me she said, "I thought you could use some more clothes for work." Well, since most of my wardrobe has become a bit loose on me, new clothes are welcome.
You're wondering what the issue is, right? My mom gives me clothes, I should be happy. I am female, we live for fashion, right? I converted to islam 4 years ago. I wear ankle length skirts and long-sleeved skirts to cover myself. My mom bought me a knee length skirt and a short sleeved shirt. Where am I going to wear that? She might as well have bought me a bikini to go to work in.
I think she knows I won't wear that to work or outside the home. I can't figure it out.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Planning a Vacay?
My friend sent me this link. I thought it was a neat site to check out. So, enjoy.
Unusual Hotels of the World
Filing My Complaints
I am a complete whiner this week.
My allergies are annoying me. I woke up Monday with a huge hive on the corner of my eyelid. AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!! Nothing like having to go to work looking like a freak! Do you think I could find my allergy eye drops? NO! Because they were in my locker at work, where I left them before the weekend.
My ex-husband is a jerk. He refuses to return some documents to me in a last effort to hold on to me. He is deluded; he keeps insisting we are still married. He is insane and scary; the things he threatened to do to me yesterday are not even mentionable on this blog. A co-worker was teasing me today about being married to him. I snapped at her. She doesn't know half of what I went through in that marriage; nobody does. There are too many things that I push to the back of my mind just to cope and make it through another day. I refuse to ever be hurt like that again.
I've said it once, I'll say it again... I work with evil hypocrites.
Why is it that no matter how much money you make, it never seems to be enough? Maybe I should get a part-time job for the weekends? Hmmm... gotta get ahead, there has to be a way.
Enough whining, I must do something with myself!
Saturday, August 19, 2006
You Know You're Old When...
your 12 year old brother stays with you, eats Cap'n Crunch Berries cereal, and you're not really interested in it.
You know you're old when there was something else the kid did to make you feel old, but when you get down to blogging it, you can't remember what the heck it was!
Oh I remember now!
Whew! We went to bed late last night, he fell asleep first. I fell asleep about an hour later. My body automatically woke me up at it's set time this morning. The kid was still asleep. I always used to wonder how my grandma could wake up at 5:30am without an alarm. Now I'm old enough to learn on my own. I can't sleep for endless hours like I did in my teen years; I can't waste half the day away!
Man, that kid made me feel old!
*I forgot to mention the kid is taller than me now! By about a half inch! My 12 year old brother is taller than me. He grew at least 3 inches in the last month! How does that happen?
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Time Is On My Side
My shift switched again this week. I am no longer working 10:30am to 9pm Monday through Thursday. I am now working 9am to 5:30pm Monday through Friday, and it's awesome!!!!!!!
I come home at night and I feel like I have a ton of time. I can get things done. I can have a life once again! Yay for me! Take for example last night, I went to bed early instead of doing anything. I was tired and my allergies are giving me sinus headaches. Now tonight I didn't completely give up my new found freedom. I was going to exercise, but I found little tasks that occupied my time instead. Not to mention the 5 times my mom has called me already this evening (I think she likes my new shift too). By the time I got to exercise I was getting hungry. Well if I eat, exercising will make my stomach hurt. If I don't eat my blood sugar will get too low. I ate, but that's okay I STILL have time to exercise! That's what happens when you have endless hours after you are done with work. Yay for me!
Sunday, August 13, 2006
I am a lazy, lazy blogger. I don't even know why I'm on here typing now. I don't feel like blogging. No originality, no spark of my imagination the last couple days. Well at least not for writing in my blog.
Why can't the weekend last forever? Why can't I have rice crispy treats (made with halal marshmallows) every day? Do I really have to go back to work tomorrow? Last night I dreamed I got a new job. It was one of the best dreams ever! God willing I hope it comes true soon. I apply, and I apply, and I apply. What can a girl do? Eat rice crispy treats, that's what she can do!
Everything is copacetic here. Don't worry about a thing.
Friday, August 11, 2006
On a Plane? Are you kidding me? Is this the best that Hollywood can come up with? This is so lame. This says, "Straight to Video", if you ask me. I wouldn't pay to see this in the theatre even if my little brother begged me to take him. Well maybe if he begged me, only because he has the hugest, most innocent blue eyes. But I wouldn't enjoy it!
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
You know you are at work too much when people that don't work in the same area as you ask, "Did you sleep here last night?"
This also should have been my first clue that I would soon be burnt out from my job. It hit me hard this week. I'm exhausted. I can hardly believe I am sitting here typing.
On the upside I checked my mail when I got home, and found something nice in there. My stomach felt sick at first when I saw my property tax refund check in the mailbox. I was worried it was going to be a repeat of last year. For those unknowing, last year my tax refund was eaten up by the ex-husband's parking tickets. Well, his parking tickets and the fees they charge. Did you know that they charge YOU money to take your money? Yeah, it's called a "recapture fee", what the? I didn't know what to expect as I opened up this year's check. Alhamdulilah, thank God, it was all there! I almost couldn't believe it. It's too bad I'm too tired to drive to the bank right now.
Monday, August 07, 2006
A Little About Rudeness and Tact
RUDE defined as: 1 crude; rough 2 barbarous 3 unrefined; uncouth 4 discourteous 5 primitive; unskillful
TACT defined as: delicate perception of the right thing to say or do without offending
I am realizing that some of the people I surround myself with are RUDE. These people lack TACT. In this case I am not referring to my co-workers. Sadly I am referring to people that I have considered to be my friend.
A person that is a friend should not say things to put you down. A friend shouldn't make you feel any more horrible about things than you already do. In other words a friend should not be RUDE. It's as simple as that. If I care about someone I want to tell them exactly what is on my mind. There isn't any need to hide the truth from a friend. What makes all the difference is the way you say what needs to be said.
I try to use TACT when dealing with friends. I say what I have to say in a way that makes them feel good even if what I'm saying might be difficult to hear. I want to surround myself with people that can try to put things in a more positive light. I feel bad enough sometimes all on my own, I don't need someone else to help me in that area.
Friendship is NOT a competition. Friendship is NOT putting someone else down in order to make yourself feel better.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
It is time once again to re-examine myself, suck it up, and get some motivation. I have lost 40 pounds since last October, and I plan to lose 40 more. I have stayed at the same weight for about 3 months now. It is time for me to step up my game.
A new season of "Celebrity Fit Club" started today. I love this show, and for some odd reason it helps to motivate me. Not to sound like an advertisement, but I also have the workout video from this show. I love it. It works every part of the body, not just the legs. This video has been feeling neglected. I'm going to give it some attention tomorrow morning.
I want to lose weight to feel good and be a happier, healthier person. I know that I'm beautiful, whether I have more weight or not. I just want to be healthy. Plain and simple. My eating and exercise habits have drastically changed in the past year, but I have to keep going. My life is changing; I'm becoming. I don't want to become something worse, I want to become something better.
So for anyone out there that wants to become, I believe you can do it. If I believe I can do it, certainly you can too.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Things: A Rambling of Thoughts
These things weigh heavy on my mind. Like leaves in autumn, they look so light as they fall from trees. When it's time to gather and rake, they are heavy with the wet and dirt of the ground.
So many things for me to consider:
What will I do? Who will my decisions effect? Who gets hurt in the end? Do I take the safe choice or start on a new adventure?
I am afraid to hear that question from your mouth. I don't know if I feel the way I used to. I fear it may be too late. Why did you take so long to realize what I knew all along? You always told me when you thought about it, the answer was always "no" in your head. We've transposed. The thing I've wanted all along, and all I can think is "no".
I am beyond "us".
Friday, August 04, 2006
A Long Time Ago
I was in bed last night when I started to think of a time which seems so long ago. When I was 10 or 11 my dad married a lady who had 4 children. 2 of her kids were adults and out of the house. The other 2 were boys and only a year or two older than me. To the youngest I was the little sister he never had; he loved to pick on me and torment me. I was also the little sister the other step-brother never had. His name was Jay, and he wasn't into tormenting me. He watched out for me and took care of me in a big-brotherly way.
Jay and I bonded quite a bit. I remember when he'd wake me up in the middle of the night to build card houses. We'd listen to music and build card houses while everyone else slept. If I was sick, he helped take care of me. He protected me from anything bad that might go down. We sometimes had some intense conversations; I knew I could tell him anything.
It was when I was 15 that we had one such conversation. I was depressed, the world was a horrible place to me. His mom hated me and was extremely mean to me. I was miserable, and I decided the world was not for me anymore. Life is so dramatic at 15. I was talking to Jay and I asked him if he were to commit suicide, how would he do it? I got a very impressive oration from him:
Why are you asking questions like that? Don't you know that life always gets better? You are only 15, there is so much ahead of you. Just remember that if life is at it's worst, that means it can only get better from there.
He gave me examples of things that were going on with him. He told me that I was special and people cared about me. He was only 17, he didn't have much up on me, but he was right.
I wish he wouldn't have killed himself only a few months later. It left me feeling empty and angry. It's not easy to be angry at the dead. I just thought he was a hypocrite, he cared enough about me to tell me not to do that. I wish he would have seen that life does get better. I wish he could have lived through all the stages to come. Not all experiences are pleasant, but they are experiences none the less.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
And the Week Ends
I flat-out refuse to work tomorrow. I put in my 40 hours this week. No overtime tomorrow, no overtime. I'm going to torture myself in another way. I'm going to the dentist. The side of my mouth where they took my wisdom tooth out still hurts. It shouldn't be like this. I want them to fix me. I want to be able to chew and not be in pain. Well, at least I don't have to work.
The day is done
But I'm having fun
I think I'm dumb
Or maybe just happy
Think I'm just happy
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
I think I was traumatized by my mom's behavior last Saturday and couldn't write about it until now. She was supposed to go to the baseball game with my step-dad and little brother. They irritated her and she told my dad to drop her off at my house on their way to the game. So I got to have mom for a few hours. I thought it would be fun.
I thought wrong.
She wanted to go shopping, I love shopping. I just don't particularly love shopping with my mom. We went to the nearby shopping center. We went to Burlington coat factory; which actually has clothes, shoes, and house stuff as well. My mom likes to look at everything, and I mean everything. We spent 2 hours in that store. She looked at everything and bought nothing. We went to a couple other stores in the center, but didn't spend much time there. Next she wanted to go to CVS pharmacy because she had never been to one before. It's pretty much your run-of-the-mill pharmacy like Wal-Greens, or Rite-Aid. She had to look at everything in there too. She even got a cart to put her jewelry cleaner and mascara in (that's all she purchased). She took an hour and a half. An hour and a half in a pharmacy store! I got a lot of exercise because I walked around the store about 100 times.
I was crabby by then and it was 100 degrees out, which didn't help my crabby factor. She wanted to go to DQ next for a salad. We went through the drive through. My car that has no air conditioning started to overheat. I had to turn on the heat. My mom decided to open her car door and hang out the car. As we were driving home she opened her door at each stoplight and hung out the car. Kind of embarrassing. She kept asking why I didn't have a mirror on the one side of my car. Well, it never came with one. She asked me why. I don't know why. I've had the car for 5 years, why all the questions now, why in the heat? She wanted to stop at starbucks, I stopped and parked. I didn't want anything, she yelled at me, got back in the car, slammed the door, and decided not to get herself anything either. It was too hot for me to drink coffee, but she could have gotten something.
We went home and ate our salads. My dad finally came and picked her up. I think it's funny now, but not so much at the time.
Life hands people a lot of crap. Everybody gets crap; most of us just focus on our own crap and forget that everybody has some. You just have to realize that amongst the crap there lies real beauty underneath it all. It's never anything that really stands out and hits you. It's when you're reminiscing about everything, little moments that pop out and are so precious to you. The essence of life is truly beautiful. A small stolen moment shared with another person. A smile. A look. A laugh. A touch. It's the small fleeting moments of beauty that will see us through to the end. So when I think about the things that have happened in my life I really see these small moments that bring a smile to my face and a tear to my eye. Life is beautiful and life is sweet.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
The other night I went to bed and I was laying there thinking. I started to freak myself out. I went to my apartment door and stood there staring at it. I was waiting, thinking. Thinking that maybe my ex would break in and kill me. I don't know why I let it get to me like this. It just happens.
I start to think of his threats and his unwillingness to let go. He has threatened to kill me before. He has threatened to sit outside my apartment building and watch 24 hours a day. He has threatened to break into my apartment and never leave so we can be together forever. No wonder I'm freaked out, I have my own personal stalker! Plus there was a freaky story in the news this last week. A story about a man who cut his girlfriend's face and other areas on her body because of jealousy. I just pray to Allah to keep me safe and keep me from feeling so much fear.